This month’s topic for Robert Hruzek’s writing challenge is What I Learned From Stress. Hey, I can do that. I mean, I have an entire blog devoted to the topic, and I’ve been dealing with stress since I was 16 years old. Before that I wasn’t dealing with it, I had a full-blown phobia and was having periodic panic attacks.
What triggered these attacks? The very thought of dentists. The fellow who traumatized me was actually a compassionate person. I was only 8 at the time, but I still remember the look of concern on his face. I appreciate that, but not as much as if he had given me novacaine before he drilled straight down on a nerve. The cavity looked tiny, so how was he to know it went all the way down. And he presumably was worried that novacaine had side effects and was trying to protect his patients. Anyway, once he started he didn’t know what to do, so he forged ahead and filled the tooth, hoping for the best.
I can’t remember if we ever went back to him, but I do know all the other dentists I had believed in novacaine, and I’ve never taken it for granted. It’s way up there on the list of things I’m grateful for.
That didn’t do away with the fear, though. When I was 16 the tooth developed an abscess, and I faced a root canal. I had to do something, so I found a book on self-hypnosis and actually taught myself to relax in the dental chair. For a while I was so good at it that I would fall asleep while the dentist was working…they hate that because it messes up the position of your mouth.
So, what did I learn from the experience? That I don’t have to be a victim of my emotions. That I can take responsibility for my life. One of the Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People is
They take responsibility for their mental programming, their emotions, and their actions. If they have ineffective ways of thinking and behaving, they evaluate them and make appropriate changes.
That’s an ongoing process, of course, but for me it’s heady stuff. I read a lot about how changing ourselves is scary. That’s not the way I look at it. Curing myself of that phobia was one of the most empowering things I’ve ever done, so for me making changes is exciting, a part of the adventure of life. What about you? Have you ever had an empowering experience like that? One that affected the rest of your life?
I think all life experiences have the potential to change us, it’s just that most experiences we unconsciously use to re-inforce who we already are rather than letting them challenge us to grow and fulfil our potential.
When I was 16 I visited Sweden, where my cousin was living. Travelling there was a hugely empowering experience. I had to find my own way, make decisions for myself, and confront my fear of talking to strangers.
David Masterss last blog post..Aspects of Playfulness: Humble Humour
I don’t particularly enjoy my visits to the dentist. I’m not even sure if I can overcome my phobia…just thinking about it is making me go “Yikes”! But most definitely, it’ll be great if I can drop my fears!
Evelyn Lims last blog post..How Would You Cross The River?
Self-healing is astounding; it always involves digging deeply, brave honesty about oneself, and trust.
The hardest part is when we DON’T succeed in healing ourselves, despite our due diligence. Then, the only thing I know to do is to believe there’s something else going on, something about which we aren’t conscious, and ACCEPT.
Jean, thanks so much for your lovely comment to my last blog post….!
Love, Jody
Jodys last blog post..L’Shanah Tova!
Jean,
I love the concept of your other blog…and what you are saying as well.
“They take responsibility for their mental programming, their emotions, and their actions. If they have ineffective ways of thinking and behaving, they evaluate them and make appropriate changes.”
– very much my philosophy in life!
Mayas last blog post..The key to happiness and balance is right with you, just learn to use it – Part 1 of the thinkmaya framework
David,
I’m afraid I gave up the idea of fulfilling my potential years ago…I have some talents that I don’t always use because they’re not important for their own sake. I have some values that are even more important to me.
I need a certain amount of challenge in my life for my mental health, but I also think that sometimes it’s just fine to back off and take time to reflect upon our experiences and integrate them into the rest of our life. See Honoring Our Comfort Zones over at Transforming Stress.
Your story about going to Sweden resonated with me. I’ve traveled in foreign countries, sometimes by myself, and I know what you mean about it being empowering. I suppose my questions are, “What do we do with that power? What’s really important to us? What is our life about?” For me questions like that are as important as external experience. What do you think? I realize my attitude is unusual. 🙂
Evelyn,
I must say, I still don’t look forward to going to the dentist. I can definitely empathize with you. 🙂
Jody,
Deep in my heart I believe that life is a mystery, there’s a lot we don’t understand, and that’s all right. It pays to be humble and to have a sense of humor.
I’m glad you liked the comment. 🙂
Maya,
Yes, our approaches to life are very similar. That’s the neat thing about blogging, connecting with people who are interested in the same things…and learning from people who have different views.
David,
I forgot to say I was older than 16 when I went off traveling on my own. Good for you!
Jean, silly as it may sound now, the most traumatic experience that I ever had was when I was sent by my employer for advanced training to the UK and I was expected to use a computer. I simply did not know how to, never having had to. Now when I look back, it is so comic. I was totally dependent on my secretary and staff to do everything that the others who had come for the training were doing on and with their computers!
I went up to the Director of the institution and explained the problem, and he solved it, though at an additional cost – he arranged for a secretary, what the Brits call a temp for me.
On return to base, the first thing I did was to learn how to use the thing. Mind you, I was the the oldest fellow in a class full of children of my son’s age. Put up with that I did, and as you say, I took responsibility for myself.
Did it empower me? I think that you should be able to answer that better than I can.
rummusers last blog post..The saga of Indian armed forces.
rummuser,
What a great story. Good for you! There’s nothing like an experience like that to motivate ourselves. I’m glad the director could solve the problem of getting a temp for you.
Four years ago I took three separate week-long video classes with kids. Each class was every afternoon, Monday through Friday. Two of the classes were with 12- to 14-year-olds, the other was with 7- to 11-year-olds. In each class we had to create a video which was shown on the local public access TV station, and we each had to be in the video. The fact that my performance was to be public was a bit of a stretch for me. 🙂 The thing that surprised me was how accepting the kids were. I was a bit apprehensive about that ahead of time.
I did it because I was going to teach a Sunday school class in the fall and I wanted the class to produce a video as the year-long project. It was well worth the investment of time… I still have that final video as a reminder. It also got me started making the weekly short videos of the animals at the shelter for that local TV station. It’s interesting to see where things lead.
This does sound like it was a stressful experience. The dentist I go to – has cookies for his patients after they finish (is he looking for more business??). And for a time, he offered free massages as well on certain days of the week (that’s the day I always went!). So, I really am ok with my dentist…
Talking about kids in your reply to rummuser – makes me think that I have stress sometimes when I’m coaching my youth soccer team. And I wonder if I’m doing the program justice. What has been reassuring is the number of families that have requested me as a coach. This does help to validate that I am doing it justice…and relieves some of the stress.
Agh! The memories, the memories! Even now, 40 years later, I still remember that horrible dentist I had back then… (shudder)
Jean, you’re so right about facing up to things, though. Taking responsibility for my own attitudes and action is the biggest single hurdle in facing life, to my mind.
Robert Hruzeks last blog post..What I Learned From… Stress
Well, all the learning to operate a computer now has brought me to blogging! This is an experience that I enjoy so much that I wonder why others with computers at home do not blog!
rummusers last blog post..Middle Class Patriotism In The USA And India.
I loved your blog! Recently I had a traumatic dental work done. I just came home took a advil and tried to rest. I remember thinking the dentist wished he could use the incredible shrinking machine to just get in there and take care of my tooth. It was a three hour deal.. So as I had hoorible pain afterwards and had to go back for other work too. I had this idea after my next visit I would go get a spa pedicure so I wouldn’t have trauma reinforcing my mental framework. It seemed to work well. My next visits have went better. Though this tooth still is waiting for some more expert advice. The other thing that showed up was to express myself more completely as to my feelings with my dentists. And faith in their willingness to be gentle with me.
Hi Jean,
A big lesson that one.
One of the biggest lessons for me sounds trivial. I had got a new bedspread that I liked (I was in my teens or a little younger I guess) and wanted to look after. I realised that I could turn it down each night before I got into bed and this would help it stay nice. And it was only a little thing and that I could do it.
I think of it as a big lesson but in a very small way.
Evans last blog post..Four Secrets for a (Nearly) Perfect Relationship
Lance,
I admire you for coaching, and for your athletic ability. It sounds as if you’re doing a great job. We don’t have to be perfect to make a contribution.
Robert,
Sorry about stirring up bad memories. I worried about that when I wrote the post, but I just had to share.
rummuser,
I’m so glad you did learn to use computers. I really value your posts and comments.
Diane,
Good for you for treating yourself to something relaxing after going to the dentist…adding some pleasure to the mix is a great idea. So is talking honestly with your dentists and building some trust. Good luck on your tooth…being worked on for three hours sounds horrible.
Evan,
That’s a great story. It’s not trivial at all. 🙂
I’m trying to think of a really empowering moment… and I’m drawing a blank! I tend to gain my inspiration from my steady track record. You know, “If I did X successfully, I can handle this.” I know the dentistry is just demonstrating a larger idea, but I’m still glad I have a dentist who’s kind and friendly!
Sara at On Simplicitys last blog post..Three Experiences You’d Like to Have
Sara,
It sounds as if you have a long string of empowering moments. That works too. 🙂
I had a dental hygenist who would clean my teeth like she was trying to wear them down to stubs. And when she would floss, it felt like she was going all the way down to my toes. I like her though because she was personable and interesting to listen to while she did her work. I think that despite the pain that could have developed into a fear or an aversion, she was instrumental in helping her patients relax. I give her credit for helping to ease the stress, but now that you’ve got me thinking, I had to allow myself be calmed by her. I am a firm believer that it’s important to help and serve others. But it’s just as important to allow others to help us sometimes.
B. Wildes last blog post..Being Volunteered to Shovel-out the Barn
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There’s something about a dentist’s office that is inherently frightening. The tools are what get to me. There’s a great old movie, “Marathon Man”, that capitalizes on this almost universal fear in an unforgettable way. My mother, who has had lots of dental work, almost flipped out when she saw it.
Brad Shorrs last blog post..Meet the Director of Keyword Engineering or Something like That
Brad,
It’s also the fact that you have to lie there helplessly while they apply those tools!
I looked again at your traits for stress hardy and resilient people. This list is a really valuable check list – not to pile more stress on but to give credit for what I am already doing! I have taken steps in the past to improve my own wellbeing in recognising harmful and destructive thought patterns. It took a full blown panic attack ( more serious than any I had had in the past ) to prompt me to take action.
Thank you for sharing this dentist story. When I was young dentists were paid by filling – so many of my generation here in the UK ( and I know that our teeth are nothing like as lovely as teeth maintained in teh US) have a mouth full of ugly fillings. In recent years my dentist ( of 20+ years which says something) has barely had to do any work in my mouth. My 20 something kids – who have needed no work at all – still hate going to the dentist ! Fear for fear’s sake I think…or maybe it’s just that they have seen the movie Marathon Man.
Jackie,
Yes, the traits are meant as a checklist rather than another pile of things we “should” be doing. I have Possibility Lists instead of To Do lists…they’re not nearly as oppressive. The way I use the traits is to go through them and see if there’s anything there that would help in this moment. They keep me from feeling helpless. I can always live my values.
About dentists…you’re in very good company here! My mouth would scarcely be called “lovely”. I’ll spare you the details but one of my dentists, regarded as a competent technician, had an oopsie several years ago. (It was when his assistant took an impression for a crown, of all things.) It was just a fluke so I don’t hold the accident against him, but I literally couldn’t chew for two years. Talk about making a major lifestyle adjustment. The thing that bothered me the most was that when I went back to talk to him about it he washed his hands of all responsibility. He said that my problem had nothing to do with him, I needed to talk to a specialist. Needless to say, I went looking for a new dentist. It took a couple of tries, but I now have one that I love and trust now. That doesn’t mean I’m not a bit wary of new surprises…it’s hard to believe that time is on my side, good dentist or not. 🙂
I realize the other one was afraid of a lawsuit and trying to protect himself.
Jean,
Funny ! My 3 hour ordeal was all about a crown. Its still in non permanent status. Having some jaw issues right now thanks for the heads up!
Aaargh! What a story …
I love the idea of a possibility list – off to create one now!
Jackie Camerons last blog post..Blog Action Day 2008
Diane,
Good luck!
Jackie,
Let me know how Possibility Lists work for you. I love them. 🙂
Jean, I hope that you get a flag up with this comment. I reproduce below an extract of some interest viz this post.
“Imagine a long, terrible dental procedure. You are
rigid in the chair, hands clenched, soaked with
sweat–and then the dentist leans over and
says, ‘We’re done
now. You can go home. But if you want, I’d be happy to
top you off with a few minutes of mild pain.’
“There is a good argument for saying ‘Yes. Please
do.’
“The psychologist and recent Nobel laureate Daniel
Kahneman conducted a series of studies on the
memory of painful events, such as colonoscopies. He
discovered that when we think back on these events,
we are influenced by the intensity of the endings, and
so we have a more positive memory of an experience
that ends with mild pain than of one that ends with
extreme pain, even if the mild pain is added to the
same amount of extreme pain. At the moment the
dentist makes you his offer, you would, of course,
want to say no–but later on, you would be better off if
you had said yes, because your overall memory of the
event wouldn’t be as unpleasant.
“Such contradictions arise all the time. If you ask
people which makes them happier, work or vacation,
they will remind you that they work for money and
spend the money on vacations. But if you give them a
beeper that goes off at random times, and ask them to
record their activity and mood each time they hear a
beep, you’ll likely find that they are happier at work.
Work is often engaging and social; vacations are often
boring and stressful. Similarly, if you ask people about
their greatest happiness in life, more than a third
mention their children or grandchildren, but when they
use a diary to record their happiness, it turns out that
taking care of the kids is a downer–parenting ranks
just a bit higher than housework, and falls below sex,
socializing with friends, watching TV, praying, eating,
and cooking.”
Paul Bloom, “First Person Plural,”
rummusers last blog post..Realities Of The Past.
Jean and Rummuser,
That is so surprising to me (that parenting ranks below housework and all those others) I find it alarming quite frankly. And I don’t agree with that… in my life experience and many moms I know would be quite offended by it. Since it pretty much is there entire life’s work.
Oh and also the part by the noble winner makes complete sense… its a emotional brain fact. An experience also speaks to its clear and present truth.
rummuser,
I agree that the intensity of endings makes a big difference in what we remember, but I would vote for something more pleasant than mild pain. Why not end it with something more joyful?
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s classic book, Flow, the Psychology of Optimal Experience talks about the experiments with beepers, checking to see what people are doing when they’re the happiest. It’s when they’re actively involved in something, of course. I figured that out for myself when we were living in Europe. I planned our weekend and holiday trips as well as our two-month trip coming back the long way. It was clear to me then that doing the planning was more challenging and fun than sightseeing.
rummuser and Diane,
When my daughter was little it was a bit different. I enjoyed hanging out with her and learning about child psychology, knowing that it was the most important work of my life. I did balance it with other projects that didn’t take all of my time and attention but that used some of my other talents.
Hi!
I recently read a article on dentistry and death. They did a study and checked brain chemistry tests. It was quite interesting. The study concluded that it was more positive to be thinking about death. And actuallly quite stressful and negative when thinking about the dentist. I thought that was an interesting result.
Diane,
That is interesting. Thanks! 🙂
Its totally depends if you are going to a good dentistry or you are consulting a well experienced dentist or not?
Belfast,
Of course. And when I was eight years old I didn’t have much choice. 😉
I think all get scared by dentist.. due to the drilling and sounds coming out of our mouth..