To Tell the Truth
Evan is organizing a collection of posts on authenticity, so I’ve been thinking of that a lot lately. I’ve especially been thinking of the famous line from a long-running game show called To Tell the Truth: “Will the real ___ please stand up.” I couldn’t remember the name of the program until I looked it up, but that line is indelibly etched in my memory. (And it’s not just me, see the pages and pages of responses when you type in will the real please stand up. Apparently this identity thing isn’t as simple as we sometimes think.)
The idea of the show was for the contestants to fool the panel of celebrities. One of the contestants was sworn to tell the truth, the others were to lie convincingly so the panelists couldn’t guess the person described. The more wrong votes from the panelists, the more money the contestants received. (For an example see this YouTube video.)
Is It Ever Appropriate to Lie in Real Life?
So I started thinking of the role lying plays in everyday life. Am I less than authentic when I lie to others? The answer surprised me: as long as I wasn’t lying to myself, in some cases it was okay… it was the appropriate thing to do. I prefer to be open and honest, but some social/work situations involve game playing, not all that different from the game show. I try to avoid situations like that, but when I’m in them I might as well play the game well. The example that stands out for me is when I was when I went back to work after Kaitlin was mostly grown. The division leader, let’s call him Joe, loved to intimidate people. I actually liked him because he had a sense of humor and could be good-natured at times, but I didn’t like his bullying and had resolved never to let him do it to me.
So I wasn’t too worried when I got a call from his secretary telling me to be in his office at 2 o’clock the next afternoon. Shortly after that call a young Ph.D., let’s call him Bob, came in and asked if I had gotten the phone call. Apparently he was supposed to be there too. He was worried. Joe had torn him apart when he gave a talk once, and Bob hated him for it. He tried to stay as far away from Joe as possible. I told him not to worry, I would take care of it. My maternal instincts came to the fore, and there was no way Joe was going to bully us.
So we arrived at Joe’s office on time, and sat there in the reception room for 15 minutes before Joe showed up. No problem, it’s the kind of power play that one expects. So we all went into his office and Joe got himself a cup of coffee and sat down with us at his conference table.
Joe: So, it’s your nickel.
Me: Uh, what do you mean by that, Joe?
Joe: Why did you call this meeting?
Me: (Looking at my watch.) Joe, we were told to be here at 2.
Joe: Oh, yes. It’s about this memo, Jean, you didn’t even mention …(some idea that he was interested in but had nothing to do with the memo. I didn’t have a clue about what he was talking about.)
He handed me the memo so I could see it. It was one I had written about a calculation I had done for Bob.
Me: (Rolling my eyes.) Joe, the purpose of that memo was….
Joe: It’s a fine memo, Jean. But you didn’t talk about… (same idea, same cluelessness on my part.)
Me: (Taking out pen and paper) I’d be happy to write you a memo about it, Joe. How about telling me exactly what you want?
He did, and I took good notes. As Bob and I left I cheerfully told Joe I would do the relevant calculation and get back to him.
As soon as I got downstairs I went to my best friend and asked what it was all about. He said, “Is he beating that dead horse? We keep telling him he’s all wet, but he won’t listen.” He told me exactly what I needed to do, so I did the calculation, including some good graphics, showing how Joe’s idea couldn’t possibly apply to the situation I had simulated.
I wrote Joe a memo about it, and he never harassed me again. I had given him the false impression that I was more competent than I really was. That was a blatant lie…or at least a strong shading of the truth…but I felt more tickled than guilty. Hey, I didn’t make the rules of the game, but given the rules were there I would have been foolish not to play the game well.
How It Turned Out
I had some other interactions with Joe, of course, and they were all reasonably friendly. Then when I took an early retirement offer and was at the party for those of us who were leaving, he came up to me and said, “We’re going to miss you, Jean.” I thought, “Oh, he’s trying to be nice. How sweet.” So I congratulated him on his new promotion and started to wish him well when he stopped me. He looked me straight in the eye and said, ” NO….. We’re… going… to… miss… you, Jean.”
He wasn’t being polite, he was trying to tell me something. That’s one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received. It was also one of the most authentic person-to-person interactions I’ve ever had.
So what did I learn from that experience? That authenticity, like identity, is sometimes more complicated than we think.
What About You?
Which of your experiences have been authentic, which have been inauthentic? Do you think the concept is simple?
I guess I think authenticity sometimes is simple and sometimes easy but sometimes neither.
Sometimes authenticity happens for me when I say something ‘without thinking’ – something pops out and I’m surprised that I really do think that.
Evans last blog post..Open and Close
I think there are a couple of problems with lying. I find it difficult to do because I am a rather slow thinker. And old age hasn’t made me any faster. You have to think fast to tell a good lie, especially in a pressure situation. Your story shows that you have that ability, which is admirable. The other problem can be illustrated by a friend of mine, now dead, who used to lie as a sort of reflex to being asked a question. He always lied. I told him he would make a terrible spy. He could never keep his story consistent. He would tell a lie one day and when asked the same question the next day tell a different one. It’s so much easier to remember the truth. I find it easier, in situations when lying is an option, to either duck the question or avoid the topic.
Anne Giberts last blog post..The levee and other island trivia
I think there are times when you must be “wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.” Working with bullies, users, or abusers can be more about survival and quick, savvy thinking rather than being brutally honest about yourself in ways that will hurt you in the long run.
SpaceAgeSages last blog post..Are you just a skipping stone?
No, I am afraid that it is not as simple as that. People and their behaviours are complex issues. This particular paradox played a significant role in my developing my philosophy about life, that all wisdom is by hindsight. While it is happening we really do not know if it is authentic or not. Subsequent events only show us that. It is therefore that I live with the motto that I take people on their face value till I am proved otherwise. Since I have chosen that deliberately, I have no cause to resent an adverse outcome.
rummusers last blog post..Reaching Out.
“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.”
Evan,
Me too! That’s a great reason for talking to others, including via our blogs. I, for one, learn a lot by thinking about and writing my posts. Also, sometimes I say/think something that sounds good when I say/think it, but then a little voice asks, “Do you really believe that?” And after further thought it turns out I don’t. Fun stuff.
Anne,
I know a fellow who honestly says what he’s thinking, but his stories often contradict one another. I’m used to it by now, but it was disconcerting at first when I would quote him and he would say, “No, that’s not right.” He would then go on to tell a story completely different from the old one. He honestly wasn’t aware of the discrepancies.
Your comment, “It’s so much easier to remember the truth,” has much to be said for it, assuming you remember “the truth”. 🙂
It helps to have a sense of humor.
SpaceAgeSage and everyone,
Ive been thinking of that incident a lot more. In fact, it was irrelevant whether or not I understood what Joe was talking about. The important thing about the interaction was the nonverbal. He was playing a power game and I was cheerfully teasing him about it…by looking at my watch, rolling my eyes and shifting the discussion from my memo to what he wanted. He did like to intimidate people, but he was also good-natured enough to let me take the lead. As I’ve written, I liked the guy and I’m sure that came through and was relevant. It was also important that I gave him the memo he wanted and that it was accurate. It wasn’t about how much I knew, it was whether or not I could produce good results. My habit of collaborating with others helped my effectiveness.
rummuser,
For me it depends on the circumstances. If there’s a lot at stake I think the motto “Trust but verify” makes a lot of sense. 🙂
bikehikebabe,
A great quote, but tangled webs weren’t a problem in this case. 🙂
Thank you all for helping me clarify my thinking. I’ve learned a lot.
In your case with Bully Joe at work, you didn’t actually lie. You Game Played. But “To Tell the Truth”, yes do that. When you “1st practice to deceive”, you have to tell more lies to cover up. You get your facts mixed up. People don’t trust you anymore.
bikehikebabe,
Yes. 🙂
Golly Gee, Jean didn’t have to respond to that.
I might tell a tiny white lie like–“You haven’t aged at all.”
Although I don’t think lying is a good thing, I know that certain situations require some tact and skill. Also, I feel that blatant lying and shades of the truth are two very different things. In a blatant lie, you completely distort the truth. In shades of truth, you leave it to the other person to make his own conclusions and interpretations.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..Mouths Are Flapping
Evelyn,
That’s a good way of describing it. Often the “truth” about individuals is different from what we communicate to others, not always because we’re trying to hide something, but simply because they’re not interested. Communication is building a bridge between different interests and views of the world. That means we try to focus on something we have in common and a lot gets left out.
Hi Jean,
Soo funny this is your post….my nephew just called me up last month he’s in college in Hawaii. One of his socialogy professors had a class on why lying is right and good in this world. Actually listed why it was appropriate to lie. He was so upset and mad at the professor. He was reeally pissed in that most students are really young and may not have their values set. I guess she was doing studies as well on it and research. So we had a long talk on it. We all know people who create yarns and their stories can never be trusted. Or the famous sit around a campfire and one person tells a story and by the time it gets around the fire its hard to find any part of the beginning story which could be attributed to bad listening, a prankster, a lier, a deciever, exageration, etc. Some people can lie easily they have no conscience!
So for me I say I try to be honest and open as best I can though I have told white lies or with held information if it would hurt someone. Some say that is just as wrong and truth always delivers and it does most times I think.
I agree with Rummuser comment and I love bikehike babes quote. People are not always what they appear to be and sometimes it takes a while before find out who they really are.
Some people just have highly developed consciences and lies just interfere with their character and values.
Diane,
I’m with you…the hardest part is knowing when to keep quiet or shade the truth for the sake of another person’s feelings. “Brutally frank” does not appeal to me. In my book if it’s brutal there’s something wrong. Even if something needs to be said we can try to be considerate.
Yes…well put! Consideration is so much more kind and loving.
Jean, this is the first time I’ve read your blog. I’ll be back. No lie.
Authentic moments, scripted in the movies or portrayed in novels, sometimes seem more truthful than real life situations. Joe did a heckuva job pulling it off in telling you goodbye. But emotions, messy though they are, and passions often carry the message and most of us aren’t good enough actors or pathological liars to fake emotions well. Those are the communicatons, rather than the words, that usually make a difference for me.
Conrads last blog post..Obama’s Rubik’s Cube
Conrad,
I love your site! I’m practicing “playing my nose.”
I agree, often the nonverbal communication conveys a lot more meaning than the words. That’s why I love interacting with dogs. In general they don’t care about words, but they sure know how to communicate.
I also agree: Joe blew me away with his goodbye.
You do something fancy (Jean will tell you what,) & your picture comes up with your comment.
It’s almost like you’re talking to the person when you read what they say & see their picture.
i worked with a “joe” type once. my joe was named bill. he intimated everyone. he was quick… very quick. and if you didn’t catch his drift immediately he could be very derisive.
one day i said “bill, you are such a pompous asshole. i don’t know if i love you in spite of it or because of it.”
from that time forward he treated me as an equal. (i suppose that was his greatest compliment.) he really was extremely intelligent. and normally, never let you forget it.
when his little granddaughter was born and they found out she was severly mentally challenged, he came to my office and with tears in his eyes, reached out for a hug.
it was much like your goodbye from joe. a moment of heartfelt truth. no games. no witty repartee. just raw, human truth and emotion.
no words at all. sometimes truth doesn’t need words.