Do you agree with Lucy that blaming our parents/parents’ generation for our problems doesn’t solve anything? I do…that approach has never made sense to me. But I don’t agree that pointing the finger of blame makes me feel better. I think life is a lot more fun when I try to take constructive action…for me thinking in terms of blame is just throwing away my personal power. What do you think?
I would especially like to know if blaming parents is as prevalent in other countries as it is in the U. S. Some people have called us a nation of whiners, that we relish playing the role of victim. Do you agree?
To play the victim, you’re helpless. You’ve lost your power.
I don’t always heed this advice.
bikehikebabe,
If it’s so hard to follow that advice, then Lucy may be right…it does make people feel better to blame someone. 😉
In India, it is the other way around! We parents blame the younger generation for the mess that consumerism has brought about! Heavy traffic density, high real estate prices, over crowded cities, Parking problems, pollution, noise, dirt etc etc and etc. And the worst part of it, is the credit based consumption that has driven quite a number of youngsters over the edge. The older generation has repeatedly been rescuing the younger and hopefully the values of the elders, like thrift, restrained borrowings etc will rub off, now that the economy is showing signs of an upswing.
.-= Rummuser´s last blog ..Faux Pas? =-.
Well, some parents do awful things to their children. Are they to blame for this? Certainly.
But do we wish to let them ruin the lives of these children? Certainly not.
A quote from Carl Jung (from memory – it’s the general sense not the exact words): Becoming an adult means taking responsibility for those things we weren’t responsible for.
Recognising that it wasn’t our fault can be an important part of healing for people. Though this is probably different to the blame game.
There’s probably less blaming of parent in Australia than the US – there isn’t the cult of “Mom” here, so the opposite is probably less common too. But it is still pretty common.
My parents were of their time, my young life was very difficult, but hopefully I learned from it and used the lessons to avoid similar mistakes. Only Elly can say if I was successful.
.-= Grannymar´s last blog ..Food Monday ~ Elly’s ‘It looks like Yeuk’! =-.
My Dad wasn’t a significant part of my childhood and my Mom left my sister and me with our grandparents for 5 years — from age 10 for me and age 8 for my sister.
Do I blame them for anything?
Of course…, and, while I forgave them long ago, it still doesn’t change the impact it had on my childhood and who I am today. It also doesn’t change the pain I still feel at times when I think of how different my childhood might have been if I would have had a “normal” family life.
I survived and prospered. However, my sister’s life was a disaster and it wasn’t until she was about 50 that she finally “grew up” and ended up in a stable marriage — and her two daughters were mostly raised my Mom.
.-= Mike´s last blog ..On the road again — in Colorado =-.
It is a mixed bag. We are who we are thanks to the cumulative effect of earlier generations. Eventually, however, we have to face reality, take responsibility (yikes!) and get going.
On the other hand, I look at the current projections of America’s public debt going from 60% of GDP to 120% of GDP in a few years. I would like to save a little and leave a little inheritance to my children. Instead, it seems that we as a nation are selling the unborn into tax slavery so that we can indulge ourselves and avoid facing reality today.
.-= Looney´s last blog .. =-.
Oh boy, I could do a blog (or three) on THIS topic! haha! Suffice to say I do not believe in the blame game as a way to excuse your behavior. ie. I’m this way because my father didn’t blah blah, or I can’t help this (whatever) because my mom was too strict – or whatever. Get over it! Grow up, take responsibility for being YOU, the you you want to be and fagedabout it.
However—–I do blame my computer a lot!
.-= suzen´s last blog ..Let’s Do Lunch! AND Help Mother Earth! =-.
Rummuser,
That’s a great point. When a commenter on your blog blamed the older generation for the current financial mess, it would make more sense…if we were in a blaming mode…to point the finger at people younger than us. I don’t know about you, but here in the states a lot of us have lost money because of the excessively easy credit encouraging people to buy homes they couldn’t afford. Our living sensibly didn’t protect us from having to help pay the bill.
Evan,
When I look back I think of all four of us…my father, mother, sister and myself…as struggling. So I don’t really blame any of us, the feeling is more of love. There’s some sadness there but I also remember the good times. My sister has a much darker view of the whole scene. She doesn’t seem to remember anything good about it.
Grannymar,
The nice thing about not blaming our parents, believing they did the best they could, is that we don’t have to worry much about how our kids turn out. If we take responsibility for ourselves and do the best we can, then they can do the same. That idea was a big relief for me when Kaitlin was little. 🙂
Mike,
My dad lived at home, but didn’t want to have much to do with my sister and me once we were no longer young kids. But my main problem wasn’t my parents, it was my chronic eyestrain. It took me years, and the development of better technology, for me to get the mental stimulation I needed without having fierce headaches and dizziness all of the time. If I pushed them too much my eyes would even stop focusing for days.
Books were what saved my sanity, but my mother and eye doctor had me convinced for a while that I would go blind if I didn’t stop reading so much. It sounds funny now, but it sure made me select my reading carefully. If I were going to spend most of my life in the dark I was going to have a lot of information and ideas for my poor little brain to work on. And I figured I could always learn braille. 😉
Looney,
Do you think you’ll be able to escape the tax slavery? We’re not nearly so sanguine. 😉
suzen,
It sounds as if you don’t blame your parents but that you enjoy ranting? I tend to lump ranting and blaming together, but I’m more than happy to be educated. 😉
Jean, my kids and their kids will experience the real tax slavery. Our generation will get off easy!
.-= Looney´s last blog .. =-.
We’ll have to see…if we’re still around. 😉 I’ll add a bit more in next week’s post.
My vote is with you. I don’t like to blame others for the same reason – makes me feel helpless and powerless – which is not o.k.
.-= Avani Mehta´s last blog ..Never Run Out of Anything – Without Stocking Up =-.
Avani,
Amen to that. 🙂
Ouch, Jean. Me “enjoy ranting”? I enjoy lively, altho sometimes over-caffeinated commentary, but ranting? I associate ranting with anger and I’m not an angry person at all (check your dictionary on rant).
As for “lumping” ranting and blaming, you can rant without blame, and you can blame without ranting. Or you can combine them for a really “special” effect I suppose, but they don’t necessarily go hand in hand.
.-= suzen´s last blog ..Fanny Farmer: A Lady In Waiting =-.
suzen,
“Ouch…” I wasn’t trying to hurt, I was trying to get a good discussion going. You did send me to a couple of dictionaries. The American Heritage Dictionary seems to agree about the anger component:
rant (rnt)
v. rant·ed, rant·ing, rants
v.intr.
To speak or write in an angry or violent manner; rave.
v.tr.
To utter or express with violence or extravagance: a dictator who ranted his vitriol onto a captive audience.
n.
1. Violent or extravagant speech or writing.
2. A speech or piece of writing that incites anger or violence: “The vast majority [of teenagers logged onto the Internet] did not encounter recipes for pipe bombs or deranged rants about white supremacy” (Daniel Okrent).
3. Chiefly British Wild or uproarious merriment.
[Probably from obsolete Dutch ranten.]
and Merriam-Webster’s doesn’t:
* Main Entry: 1rant
* Pronunciation: ?rant
* Function: verb
* Etymology: obsolete Dutch ranten, randen
* Date: 1601
intransitive verb 1 : to talk in a noisy, excited, or declamatory manner
2 : to scold vehemently
transitive verb : to utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion
— rant·er noun
— rant·ing·ly ?ran-ti?-l? adverb
Hmm. When I think of ranting I think of people who are exclaiming about what other people are doing wrong. For me that would be like blaming, i.e., throwing away one’s personal power. On the other hand, if it’s done as a pep talk it can be empowering. It sounds as that’s how you’re doing it.
Do I think people are wrong when they’re focusing on what other people are doing wrong (Stephen Covey calls it “confessing other people’s faults”)? As long as it works for them and they’re not hurting anyone, then no. I’ve done it myself and it’s fun. I’m just trying to train myself not to do it any more. It’s a fun hobby. Who’s to say what other people should be doing with their time and energy? Years ago I read an article in Popular Psychology that said if a person doesn’t have many options in life it may be mentally healthy to blame others. I thought the author had a point.
Back to ranting…my view comes from knowing people who love to do it and can go on and on. I don’t enjoy listening to long tirades about everything that’s wrong with the world, so I’ve learned to avoid certain topics and focus on subjects that are enjoyable to both of us. It was tricky to do at first, but it seems to be working now. I care about the people in question and wanted to keep connected to them so I’m happy that it’s working. That sounds as if it’s completely different from what you’re talking about.
So, in summary, thank you!
Well, now, the Blame Game, as I call it, is huge everywhere. I see it all the time. And it is a useless exercise, you could do it forever and it gets you precisely nowhere. You are far better off learning from your experiences and moving on in life. I can recall that especially in my early life I met some people who really bothered me a lot. I’m not going into a great deal of detail about it here, but it would be easy to pin a lot of the problems I had later on those early experiences, but what’s the use? I’ve learnt something, and hopefully will not keep on repeating mistakes because of bad formative experiences. We can use these lessons to grow.
Jean, I wonder would you mind coming over to my diary blog gaelikaasdiary.blogspot.com when you have a minute? I’ve been given a virtual blog award and I have nominated you as one of the bloggers to whom I would like to pass it on to! Thanks a lot!
.-= gaelikaa´s last blog ..Lost And Found =-.
gaelikaa,
“And it is a useless exercise, you could do it forever and it gets you precisely nowhere.” Amen to that! So you point the finger to your parents/whatever. They in turn point the finger to their parents/whatever. Big deal. Things will only change if we take responsibility for ourselves.
Thank you for the award! I’m thinking of who to pass it to. You’ve already named some of the ones I would have listed.
Blaming others is uselessly easy, right?
.-= MelRoXx´s last blog ..This blog is Splashing! =-.
gaelikaa,
Thanks again for the Splash Award. I’ve been struggling with who to send it to but like Grannymar don’t want to leave anyone out. So I’m passing it on with gratitude to all the commenters on this site. Thank you all!
MelRoXx,
Yes, a lot of people enjoy blaming and complaining. But I’m a lot happier when I focus my energy and attention on more positive things. To each his own…as long as I don’t have to listen. It’s not good for my immune system. 😉