I made a couple of comments that struck all the wrong tone a few days ago, and I’ve replaced them with a more appropriate response and apologized to the commenter.
I worry that I hurt the commenter’s feelings/made him feel invalidated, and I appreciate having the chance to apologize. This poem from The Cheerful Cherub by Rebecca McCann helps. I came across it about 50 years ago and have never forgotten it. It’s so friendly/accepting/forgiving.
I’m sure I have a noble mind
And honesty and tact,
And no one’s more surprised than I
To see the way I act!
How do you feel about apologies, being wrong? Do you worry about hurting other people’s feelings?
February 22, 2015
Do I worry about hurting other people’s feelings? No, I don’t WORRY because I never ever intend to hurt anyone. Neither do I believe anyone else does so deliberately. However, if and when someone does feel hurt by me, I try to understand and make good as best I can. A favour I wish to see reciprocated. After all, what is one person’s molehill is another’s Niagra Falls frozen over. So we do have to make allowances for each others’ approaches to life and communication. Thick skins, thin skins. Accommodate each other. Not easy.
In fact it’s one of the less edifying spectacles of human nature (and funny to the observer) when you find that one person “hurts” another, the other doesn’t know what’s hit them in response, then you try and understand each other, quickly followed by endless apologizing on both sides.
As to the incident you refer to I have it on good authority that there was no need to apologize. The commentator tapped into something rather personal. Risky. Perhaps. That you adapted responses to the purposes of your blog is your prerogative.
To widen the discussion: It is one thing to apologize but what of being able to graciously ACCEPT an apology? I reserve a particular type of despair with those who – despite having initially “forgiven” – will rake up the occasion again and again and again. Forever. Till it’s all kaput. Beyond salvation.
Other than, my dear Jean: Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Affectionately,
Ursula
“I have it on good authority that there was no need to apologize.” Thank you for that. It turns out the commentator hadn’t even read my replies, and my guess is he/she wouldn’t have been upset anyway. The main reason I’m trying to be super careful is because I had just deleted a couple of comments that seemed to violate the spirit of this blog. I told that commentator why, and I had to understand my rationale for myself and check to make sure I hadn’t been doing the same thing. It seemed only fair, even if no one else would have been bothered by it.
I still want these posts to be food for thought, but I also want to learn to be a good communicator and engage in a good discussion without seeming to be judging the other person rather than disagreeing about ideas.
Am I being overly cautious? All I can say is this is important to me.
Thank you for the sweet comment, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Actually I’m not. When I was young I used to be very critical of myself, but then in my mid-20’s I realized I was always trying to be understanding of other people, but was very hard on myself. I was on my way to work when it suddenly dawned on me. So the first thing I did when I got to work was to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and promise to always be on my own side. It was all right to make mistakes and to try to bring out the best in myself, but cut the criticism. I’ve never violated that promise/commitment.
So, being hard on myself doesn’t fit. Calling me overly conscientious at times is probably a fair assessment. 🙂
So am I going to take your advice to let my hair down? Well, besides the fact my hair is short and every year I have less and less of it, I think I’ll just stick to my Yay, Jeans. They’re my favorite way of celebrating life.
Thanks so much for commenting.
I try to not intentionally hurt people’s feelings, but inevitably I/we do, it’s just part of life. I also don’t like to see or be reminded about the way I act sometimes–But sometimes I just can’t help myself, some people really, really bring out the worst in me, again, all part of life. People should be more forgiving I think.
I agree. One of my favorite quotes is, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Not all are, but it’s good to keep in mind.
I rarely get any opportunity to hurt anyone’s feelings. Such situations somehow do not seem to come my way. The last time I remember was a blog post I wrote which was perceived by some as being politically improper and I readily apologised. I would not mind apologising to someone if I had inadvertently hurt them in any way. If I deliberately set out to hurt someone, why would I want to?
Sounds sensible.
well.
i have foot-in-mouthitis. it’s usually more embarrassing though than hurtful.
i try very hard not to say hurtful things to anyone.
unless they’re abusing an animal or an old person or a child. then i can go ballistic.
but just mere foot in mouthitis . . .
it’s a common syndrome. i would call it a disease. but i’ve noticed today that everyone has a syndrome. and i want to be modern. i want to fit in. so it’s my syndrome. 😀
i need to memorize that poem! i like it. i need it. i will use it. thank you!
i think of people who have no tact as bullies. they blunder through life saying whatever they think regardless of any consequences. if one is hurt … it’s one’s fault.
that’s how they look at it. i like truth. but i like manners. and i despair of civilization today. it’s ‘anything goes.’
Yay, tammy! “Foot-in-mouthitis” as a syndrome. I love it. The nice thing about friends is they trust one another’s basic good intentions and don’t get hung up on words. Once the trust is no longer there it’s time to move on. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep good feelings for the other person in your heart, even though they’re no longer a part of your life.
it’s always a difficult subject or is that object… have I stepped over the line, even though I don’t believe I did; has someone else stepped over my personal line-out, or are we in the middle field.
what should I do about it to make it right? Should I just ignore it and get on with life; make some half-heartened attempt to put it right?
often when you try to apologise, you find the person on the other side says something like “what are you apologising for?”
often I will spend a little more time saying to someone, “thank you for listening/helping/having/being”
It does get hard knowing what to do! Communication and understanding other people isn’t always easy. We’re all so different.
As Ursula says, I suspect you’re being too hard on yourself!
You could be right. Thank you!
I don’t enjoy being wrong and having to apologise. I’ve usually found the recipient more gracious than I feared.
That must make it easier the next time. Good for them!
I try to be very careful when communicating via the internet. It’s too easy for people to misunderstand, and, with no feedback like facial expressions, I never know that I am being misunderstood.
Of course, I’m sure that some people don’t like what I say even when they understand correctly. But I never deliberately insult anyone unless there’s a very very good reason.
I have recently made a big point in my life of trying to see the world through the eyes of others who I get angry at for one reason or another. I realized that this was important after I snapped at a friend, not because of what she said, but because I had the beginnings of a migraine and was feeling awful (unbeknownst to her). So, after experiencing my own bad behavior, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when they snap at me. Who knows what’s going on in their life that might have contributed to their behavior?
I certainly agree about giving other people the benefit of the doubt. One never knows what they’re going through.
“I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when they snap at me. Who knows what’s going on in their life that might have contributed to their behavior?” My attitude exactly.
but in the “heat of moment” we don’t always see the wood or the trees…
later maybe when we are unwinding from the day…it comes clearer 🙂
I don’t think I’m getting notified of your replies to my comments Jean.
I’ll try to check it out. I changed the plugin and hoped it would work all right. I don’t want to use Jetpack because it’s bloated and possibly vulnerable to hackers. Thanks for letting me know.