Entries Tagged 'Authenticity' ↓

Daily Puppy.
 

I have a confession to make: I’m still a little kid at heart. It’s not a quality that the world admires, but it’s my greatest talent. I take delight in little things.

This past week it’s been playing with the new self-serve scanner at the local library. They’ve been warning us that when the system is installed we would have to start bringing our library cards. Ughh. Until now I just told the librarian a 4-digit number and she typed it in instead of me having to dig my card out of my backpack. I loved that way of doing things.

So being basically lazy I made myself duplicate cards with my photocopier and some card stock and put them in the the pockets of the jackets I use. That’s the kind of craft project my little kid loves, and now I don’t have to worry about messing with my backpack.

Then I took my little kid on a field trip to the library to make sure the cards worked. They did, and my little kid had a grand time playing with the scanner. I told the librarian I was going to tell my husband about my great adventure, and she gave me a weird look. She clearly doesn’t understand little kids.

What About You?
Do you understand little kids? Even the ones in adult bodies? Are you in touch with your inner child? If so, do you ever let the world see her/him?

Last week we talked about situations when it’s best not to broadcast one’s lack of knowledge…when it’s best to simply take good notes and find the answer later…out of sight.

I prefer situations where we don’t have to worry about ego games, when we’re focused on the knowledge and getting the job done well…not in trying to impress other people. That’s why my daughter’s pediatrician was so refreshing. My daughter broke her ankle once, and her doctor went into the other room and brought back a book on how to set that particular fracture. The doctor had been a scientist before she decided to switch fields and go to medical school, and my husband and I were impressed by her willingness to check her information in front of me. She was highly competent and interested in doing the job well, not in setting herself above her patients and their parents. That was years ago and I still remember it.

The Nurse
I also remember the nurse who took off Kaitlin’s cast when the fracture was healed. I liked her too, but she needed to work on her competence. When we went into the examining room she was making coffee in the coffee machine. But she forgot to put the coffee pot in, so the coffee started running over the cabinet top, and she had to mop it up.

Then she cut off Kaitlin’s cast with a little power saw. At one point Kaitlin yelped and the nurse said, “I’m not hurting you, just relax!” When the cast was off she saw that she had indeed nicked Kaitlin’s leg, so she licked her index finger and rubbed it on the cut. Then she said, “I can’t believe I actually did that!”

She put a bandage on the cut, then had Kaitlin get in the wheelchair, the rule being the patient has to be wheeled out the hospital for legal reasons. That would have been fine, she waited with Kaitlin outside while I went to get the car. Unfortunately it had just rained and the overhang was still dripping. The nurse, of course, had parked Kaitlin right under the drip.

I remember her as vividly and with an even warmer heart than I remember the pediatrician, but I wasn’t surprised or upset when the nurse wasn’t there the next time we had an office visit.

Role Models
They’re both good role models for me:

• The Doctor– I’m a visual thinker so when I’m in situation where someone is playing I’m-better-that-you-because-I-know-this-and-you-don’t games, I can think of that pediatrician and smile. No, that simply isn’t true, play your game with someone else.
• The Nurse–On the other hand, when I have one of those days when everything has gone wrong and my confidence has slipped away, I can think of the nurse and remember how she touched my heart. It’s not that I won’t work on increasing my competence, it’s just that beating ourselves up when we make mistakes is counterproductive. We don’t have to be perfect to be lovable and worthy of respect.

What About You?
I collect role models and use them a lot in everyday life. Do you do something similar? If not, how do you shift your thinking and emotional states?

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screenshot from YouTube video

 
To Tell the Truth
Evan is organizing a collection of posts on authenticity, so I’ve been thinking of that a lot lately. I’ve especially been thinking of the famous line from a long-running game show called To Tell the Truth: “Will the real ___ please stand up.” I couldn’t remember the name of the program until I looked it up, but that line is indelibly etched in my memory. (And it’s not just me, see the pages and pages of responses when you type in will the real please stand up. Apparently this identity thing isn’t as simple as we sometimes think.)

The idea of the show was for the contestants to fool the panel of celebrities. One of the contestants was sworn to tell the truth, the others were to lie convincingly so the panelists couldn’t guess the person described. The more wrong votes from the panelists, the more money the contestants received. (For an example see this YouTube video.)

Is It Ever Appropriate to Lie in Real Life?
So I started thinking of the role lying plays in everyday life. Am I less than authentic when I lie to others? The answer surprised me: as long as I wasn’t lying to myself, in some cases it was okay… it was the appropriate thing to do. I prefer to be open and honest, but some social/work situations involve game playing, not all that different from the game show. I try to avoid situations like that, but when I’m in them I might as well play the game well. The example that stands out for me is when I was when I went back to work after Kaitlin was mostly grown. The division leader, let’s call him Joe, loved to intimidate people. I actually liked him because he had a sense of humor and could be good-natured at times, but I didn’t like his bullying and had resolved never to let him do it to me.

So I wasn’t too worried when I got a call from his secretary telling me to be in his office at 2 o’clock the next afternoon. Shortly after that call a young Ph.D., let’s call him Bob, came in and asked if I had gotten the phone call. Apparently he was supposed to be there too. He was worried. Joe had torn him apart when he gave a talk once, and Bob hated him for it. He tried to stay as far away from Joe as possible. I told him not to worry, I would take care of it. My maternal instincts came to the fore, and there was no way Joe was going to bully us.

So we arrived at Joe’s office on time, and sat there in the reception room for 15 minutes before Joe showed up. No problem, it’s the kind of power play that one expects. So we all went into his office and Joe got himself a cup of coffee and sat down with us at his conference table.

Joe: So, it’s your nickel.
Me: Uh, what do you mean by that, Joe?
Joe: Why did you call this meeting?
Me: (Looking at my watch.) Joe, we were told to be here at 2.
Joe: Oh, yes. It’s about this memo, Jean, you didn’t even mention …(some idea that he was interested in but had nothing to do with the memo. I didn’t have a clue about what he was talking about.)

He handed me the memo so I could see it. It was one I had written about a calculation I had done for Bob.

Me: (Rolling my eyes.) Joe, the purpose of that memo was….
Joe: It’s a fine memo, Jean. But you didn’t talk about… (same idea, same cluelessness on my part.)
Me: (Taking out pen and paper) I’d be happy to write you a memo about it, Joe. How about telling me exactly what you want?

He did, and I took good notes. As Bob and I left I cheerfully told Joe I would do the relevant calculation and get back to him.

As soon as I got downstairs I went to my best friend and asked what it was all about. He said, “Is he beating that dead horse? We keep telling him he’s all wet, but he won’t listen.” He told me exactly what I needed to do, so I did the calculation, including some good graphics, showing how Joe’s idea couldn’t possibly apply to the situation I had simulated.

I wrote Joe a memo about it, and he never harassed me again. I had given him the false impression that I was more competent than I really was. That was a blatant lie…or at least a strong shading of the truth…but I felt more tickled than guilty. Hey, I didn’t make the rules of the game, but given the rules were there I would have been foolish not to play the game well.

How It Turned Out
I had some other interactions with Joe, of course, and they were all reasonably friendly. Then when I took an early retirement offer and was at the party for those of us who were leaving, he came up to me and said, “We’re going to miss you, Jean.” I thought, “Oh, he’s trying to be nice. How sweet.” So I congratulated him on his new promotion and started to wish him well when he stopped me. He looked me straight in the eye and said, ” NO….. We’re… going… to… miss… you, Jean.”

He wasn’t being polite, he was trying to tell me something. That’s one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received. It was also one of the most authentic person-to-person interactions I’ve ever had.

So what did I learn from that experience? That authenticity, like identity, is sometimes more complicated than we think.

What About You?
Which of your experiences have been authentic, which have been inauthentic? Do you think the concept is simple?