Do you know anyone “at that age”? Do you know of anyone who never slips back to “that age”?
I for one still slip from time to time, but I am getting better at keeping centered in my values and not being tossed around by other people and external events. It’s a lifelong project and a fun hobby. 😉
That’s probably why I was so fascinated by a New York Times article that B. Wilde told me about. The author, Laura Munson, had been practicing staying centered and it paid off when her husband told her out of the blue, “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”
Until then she had been feeling good about their life. In her mind they had achieved their dreams. They had created the life in the country they had wanted. They had 20 acres of land, a farm house and horses and dogs. They also had healthy children and were doing the family activities that would give the kids a chance to experience the world while building wonderful childhood memories.
So even though she was taken off guard, she didn’t react blindly. Instead she quickly regained her composure and said, “I don’t buy it…. It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
He reacted with hostility for about four months while she stayed centered and continued with the family activities without him. After about four months he joined them again. He had been going through a crisis with his work and as she said, “My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me. But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.”
It pays to practice being centered. You never know what might happen. 😉
I guess I’m not really familiar with the concept of being “centered,” though I think that to some degree I probably am. I’ve always been “low-key” and “laid-back.” As a bit of humor, though, I used to keep a small sign in my office that suggested otherwise. It said:
“Paranoia is important.”
.-= Mike Goad´s last blog ..Mammoth Cave Whitetail =-.
Jean, you have been following the saga of my niece and her husband. Would you say that both are being centered? Or, are they both being carefree? Or are they both so secure within themselves that they can think of terminating the marriage?
Human beings are funny creatures. From childhood, we are subject to so much conditioning from so many different souces that we end up as mixed up characters in melodramatic situations.
Laura Munson, surely is being wiser by hindsight? We do not really know the full story there. I would dearly like to read her husband’s side of the story. She has a point, which she learnt post the break. If my wife had ever treated me like a child as she claims she did her husband, I would not know how I would have reacted. I cannot visualize Mr. Munson, if that is what he is, being a moron who could not see through the game.
There is more than just what she talks about here.
.-= Rummuser´s last blog ..National Pride. =-.
Maybe Ramanaji is right. But I still admire the way Laura handled the crisis. We all make mistakes in life, and especially in relationships. But it is never too late to unlearn wrong habits and learn new healthy ones.
Great post, Jean. I loved it!
.-= gaelikaa´s last blog ..The Beautician in the Kitchen! =-.
Mike,
How about: “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t chasing you with knives.” 🙂
My husband and I mostly don’t believe everything people tell us but we still get taken occasionally. When we do we laugh and say, “Not paranoid enough!”
Rummuser,
I think your niece and her husband have different expectations of what marriage should be like. It sounds as if a divorce is a good solution because they don’t have children. gaelikaa had a great post about a friend of theirs who had an elaborate wedding and later appeared with a completely different wife. He was very conservative and a modern woman didn’t meet his expectations. His new wife was a much better match.
“If my wife had ever treated me like a child as she claims she did her husband, I would not know how I would have reacted.” I would hope that you would not have acted in such a childish fashion to warrant it. 😉 The children wouldn’t mind if he deserted the family because they would want him to be happy? Give me a break! A friend of mine taught first grade and said in the beginning when parents told her they they were getting a divorce she would commiserate. But after seeing the devastating effect on the children she wanted to knock the parents’ heads together.
gaelikaa,
I admire her too. She had been working on learning to respond well to adversity and it paid off by saving her family.
great post! amen to staying centered like that woman did.
In Ireland we associate therapy with American TV shows and Films. Nowadays marriage is so easy to get out of that I feel people are not always prepared to put so much effort into it. Expectations are very high and at times unrealistic.
I grew up in the school of hard knocks and for a long time had a very cynical view of life, ‘love’ and marriage. Thankfully I met the right man at the right time who changed my life and way of thinking.
.-= Grannymar´s last blog ..Art with My Needle Week ~ Week 7 =-.
Grannymar,
I’m so glad you found him!