One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from one of my favorite teachers in high school. I still remember where we were standing when he said kids often rebel against their parents and authority figures, but if we simply criticize and attack we’re just as trapped as if we blindly believe everything we’re told. We have to figure out what our own values are and learn to live them.
Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) says it more simply:
Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.
In fact NLP in a nutshell is
- Figure out what you want,
- Notice if what you’re doing is getting you closer to what you want, and
- If not, try something else.
Conan O’Brien’s farewell speech from The Tonight Show Friday night reminded me of this. The part I liked best was
To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism- it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
Amen to that!
What do you think?
Conan went out on a high note. Good job.
Three things come to mind to me.
Whistle while you work. Whatever work you end up having to do, try to make it enjoyable, as best as you can.
Lead the field. If you end up in a job that you can make a career out of, work at being the best at that job. Read, learn, study and work at being the very best that you can be, even if it means doing things outside of work and on your own dime.
Take charge of your attitude. You can choose what your attitude is. A positive attitude is a lot more enjoyable than always being a grouch and a grump. It may not be easy at first — and you may have to work at it — but it can be done.
These things work, but they are easy to let slip when the going gets tough or over the long haul of years on the job.
.-= Mike Goad´s last blog ..From the Old Faithful Inn entrance porch. =-.
“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”
In total agreement.
About cynicism however, I must beg to differ. There are many things to be cynical about around us. To pretend that they do not exist is to be hypocritical.
.-= Rummuser´s last blog ..The Road. Journey II =-.
I am trying to maintain a balance between cynical on the one hand, and kindness and enthusiasm on the other. Perhaps they don’t go together, but aren’t we living in the Age of Syncretism?
.-= Looney´s last blog ..Maryland Zoo partners with the B&O Railroad, Maryland Science Center, and Port Discovery for the Months of January and February. =-.
Mike,
Well said! I agree, the hard part is to keep it up year after year.
Rummuser,
Cynicism is different from skepticism, which to me is the opposite of denial, seeing only the positive. I question a lot, and there are a lot of things going on that we don’t have much power to change. But if I were a cynic I would say “What’s the use? Nothing I can do would make any difference.” Cynicism implies a jaded attitude towards life. I have a tragic view of life but resolved years ago that I wouldn’t get beaten down by it. Basically this is Frankl’s definition of tragic optimism.
Looney,
My guess is you’re a skeptic rather than a cynic. Cynics are more apt to distrust everyone. One of my husband and my favorite sayings is, “We’re not paranoid enough!” It sometimes keeps us from getting scammed, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have a lot of trust too. As you say, we need a healthy balance, we need to keep our heads screwed on straight.
In ancient Greece there was only a fine line between ‘cynical’ and ‘sceptical’. In our times ‘cynical’ has acquired a negative connotation: In simple terms you might say a cynic is someone who adds a drop of acid to his scepticism. The spectrum of cynicism and scepticism, like most things in life, is fluid, not black or white. And I most certainly disagree with your notion that cynics “distrust everyone”. The biggest cynic in my life (you can’t put anything past him without it being taken apart, looked at from every angle, then after careful examination and damning verdict given being put together again) is one of the kindest and most thoughtful men I have ever known. However, his intellect and heightened senses are the brainy equivalent of a freshly sharpened guillotine. If you don’t duck before it comes down it’ll be at your peril.
My own default mode is that I don’t take things at ‘face value’ – a benign version of the two terms above. Basically I am a softie in wolf’s clothing. Don’t laugh.
As to your NLP recommendation: Sure, as so often the theory is fine – but what if you are adrift? You say “moving forward”. I like going into reverse gear – your best chance to bump into an obstacle which jumps you into action. I also, like a crab, often move sideways. The only thing that propels me forward is time – until I run out of it.
U
Ursula,
The modern definition of cynic usually uses the term “jaded”. To me that has the connotation of giving up on life. It seems to me that Conan was simply telling youngsters not to be come bitter and feel their efforts are useless. In general I agree with that, assuming one chooses wisely, and that’s the rub of course. 😉
Ursula’s comment about walking sideways reminds me of a Smothers Brothers song about crabs and lobsters. The lobster falls in love with a crab but his folks won’t let him marry her:
Thanks for the memory, Ursula. 🙂
We’ve lost lots of money through the years. Investing in three start-up companies that folded. Sending money in advance for furniture from another state. For custom-made leather sofa covers. –We weren’t paranoid enough.
I forgot a big one. When we built our house we had a contractor that wasn’t bonded, who was building two houses at once. The woman of the other house “offered” to do the finance.
She asked for money & was paying the bills on her house & not ours.
We were being sued for bills that were supposed to have been paid. When friends came to see the house, I came to the door in a bathrobe. “Are you sick?” they’d ask. No, just mentally ill.
I was an optimistic Cheerful Monk before sending this & now I’m a jaded cynic.
bikehikebabe,
Thank you for those lines. 😀
We heard all sorts of stories about contractors not paying their bills and the client being stuck with them so we were very careful there. But when we built the greenhouse up on our land the fellow dug the hole then kept putting things off for two years. I finally got him to admit he wasn’t going to come back so we could get another contractor and finish the darn thing. My husband sometimes has too much patience. 😉
I read the post, and it was crystal clear. I formed a comment and came down through ten other comments to leave my contribution. I got lost in the comments and forgot what I wanted to say.
I am going to read the post again….I will be back….
.-= gaelikaa´s last blog ..Doubts and Regrets =-.
Yes, I’m back again. If we focus on the positive and don’t concentrate on what we don’t want, we will surely arrive somewhere nice.
Example. Sometimes, my kids make a lot of noise. If I want them to be quiet (& who doesn’t?), I certainly don’t try to shout them down. I stand in the middle of them and stay very, very quiet. Eventually, they notice me and start to calm down. Once they’ve done that – it can take a while – I speak to them.
I am not always that much in control. But sometimes I am. And the results are much better than they would otherwise be.
.-= gaelikaa´s last blog ..Doubts and Regrets =-.
Hi Jean! I thought Conan’s exit was a class act – and his message was clear. I like NLP and going forward. It works, you’re right!
To gaelikaa: I remember the 1st time that happened to me. I went downstairs for something, answered the phone & said, astonished,”I came down here & can’t remember why.”
That’s why we interrupt people. If we didn’t we’d forget what we wanted to say.
Woe is the parent who screams “Quit yelling!” Slaps the child & says, “Don’t hit!” Your actions speak louder than your words.
gaelikaa,
That’s a great example. Thanks. 🙂
suzen,
Yes! What I like about NLP is so many people focus on what they don’t want, it’s easy to do. NLP makes us ask the questions, “What do I want instead? What small step can I take right now to move me in that direction?” Powerful questions if we are willing to take the time to notice and to think.
bkikehikebabe,
I agree. Preaching is useless. Set a good example. It reminds me of when we dropped Kaitlin off to college for the first time. I was sad until Andy looked at me with a big smile and said, “We’re empty nesters now. We no longer have to be a good example for our child. Where shall we go and what shall we do?” Talk about a mood lifter. 🙂