Between shingles and its aftermath, plus a former friend who took umbrage at one of my posts, the past six months has been a wild ride. But I can’t help smiling as I write this because the experience has brought me closer to my friends and to my deepest values. That’s as good as it gets in this life.
A couple of days ago we talked about Building Resilience, for those who wanted to. I made my own list about twenty years ago, and even though it’s called The Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People, it’s more a statement of the values I try to live by. It clearly wouldn’t appeal to everyone, but as Cathy has said,
…the Net can only give us a sprinkling of star dust on who we really are; what we personally stand for and why we do whatever we “love”
Here is my “sprinkling of star dust.” Please share yours.
- They have a sense of meaning, direction, and purpose. They are value-centered rather than reactive and defensive. They understand that emotions are great sources of energy and motivation but are often poor guides for action. Instead these people use their values as guides.
- They realize that the quality of our lives depends on how we focus our attention and our energy. They try to align their thoughts and actions with their values. They know how to motivate themselves to take action.
- They don’t judge themselves or others harshly when things go wrong. They focus on what they want, not on what they don’t want.
- They are able to tolerate ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection. They have a long-range perspective, so they give themselves and others room to grow. They can afford to be resilient, flexible, and creative because they are centered in their values.
- They are reasonably optimistic and have a sense of humor. Even though they are dedicated to doing things well, they don’t take themselves too seriously.
- They take responsibility for their mental programming, their emotions, and their actions. If they have ineffective ways of thinking and behaving, they evaluate them and make appropriate changes.
- They look at adversity as a challenge rather than as a threat. They realize that no matter how the present situation turns out, they will learn and grow from it.
- They respect themselves and other people. They have a spirit of cooperation, looking for win-win solutions rather than trying to win over other people or ignoring their own wants and needs because of fear.
- They are grateful for the good things in their lives.
- They know how to mourn the inevitable losses in life. They know how to let go of things they have no control over.
Traits Of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People
August 19, 2015
How odd, considering I visit your blog a couple of times every day, that that exchange back in January went completely unnoticed by me. I had no idea this was going on. More is the pity.
I admire your calmness in the face of the outrageous. If that had been me, the target of having laid open bits of my life in public – well, let’s just say it’s a good job it wasn’t. I don’t stand for nonsense. And I wouldn’t have stood it – on your behalf – at the time if I’d know about it. As it were I thought those emails landing in my inbox random ramblings. Received with a mildly bewildered shrug of the shoulder. As people get older – sane excuse – and to use Tammy’s expression, they tend to get more “eccentric”. Which, in many ways, is a good thing but it doesn’t mean playing a wild card without having to live with repercussions/reaping the fallout.
The flaw in Cynthia’s argument re “REAL” friends that she has shown herself to be no such. Pity, great great pity. I liked her.
U
Thank you. I think the whole thing is sad, but hopefully it’s over now.
1. I do not have a sense of meaning, direction, and purpose. I don’t have to. I just let life unfold as it happens. I flatter myself that I am indeed value-centered rather than reactive and defensive. I do understand that emotions are great sources of energy and motivation but are often poor guides for action. Not that there is much scope for action in my current status of life. I use values more or less on autopilot.
2. I realize that the quality of my life depends on how I focus my attention and energy. My thoughts and actions however are automatically aligned with my values. I don’t have to try. I rarely have to take action as it is popularly expressed. I am content to just drift along.
3. I don’t judge myself or others harshly when things go wrong. They seldom do anyway! Since there is little that I want, I simply accept what comes my way.
4. I am content in my skin. I live comfortably with imperfections because they do not affect me. I think that I am Mr. Perfect in my personal life style, call it being centered in my value system or whatever.
5. I would rate this as my greatest strength. I don’t take myself or life seriously. I think that I am a pessoptimist.
6. It is a bit too late to change what I have become. No big deal. I am quite comfortable with the way that I am and I believe that all the people that matter to me in my life are quite comfortable with the way that I am.
7. Other than some minor hiccups that are common to everyone, there is little that happens to rock my boat. My hope is that things stay that way till I pop off.
8. I think that I fit that description to a T.
9. I am very grateful indeed.
10.I think that I fit that description too to a T.
Interesting bit of introspection that exercise.
I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I’m just checking in here briefly.
I’ll be back later to share but wanted to make sure all was well.
But first I must attend attend to my “real” life.
Ha!
I sadly never realized the drama and insanity you were enduring.
I agree with Ursula’s comment that if it had been me, I won’t have had your calmness and grace.
xoxo
Thank you. It certainly gave my sense of humor a good workout! The whole thing was so petty I didn’t want to get sucked into it.
so interesting here. always such thought provoking posts!
i truly have not given much thought to my own resilience in listed terms.
i have an inner little thing i go by. i have for years. it may sound a little weird… but it has held me in good stead.
i once shocked a lady at work talking about it.
it’s my own simple rule of thumb. and i’ll tell you how i came about it.
when i was a teenager i read anne frank’s diary. then i read corrie tenboom’s book… ‘the hiding place.’ then i read walden pond by thoreau. and… his one about civil disobedience. i have to say… those books are what formed my inner resilience and my code of living.
that and my father’s own brand of high integrity. and my mother’s sensitivity to anyone’s and anything’s feelings. the golden rule she lived by.
the combination of all that combined made me rather ‘resilient’ to life’s woes i guess. there were to be great losses ahead and much illness. my own and others. and it has never let me down yet.
my personal ‘rule of thumb’ for dealing with any great illness or catastrophe in my life is … one question i ask myself.
“how does this compare to living through the holocaust?”
that ONE THOUGHT! immediately puts EVERYTHING into perspective for me!
the lady at work that was so shocked at me… when i said my husband died a good death… she was appalled and thought me very unfeeling!
she said CANCER is NEVER good! i replied no. of course it isn’t. especially when you’re 43 years old and had a wonderful life ahead of you.
but he was in a clean bed in a modern comfortable hospital. given morphine for any pain. had his family and his loving wife by his side. and had lived a wonderful happy life with much love… up until that horrible illness.
that to me does not compare with starving to death and watching all the horrors of a concentration camp and knowing you are next in line. or having to watch as your little child is thrown alive into a deep pit to die in the dirt.
NOTHING to me will EVER compare to that. nothing.
and that’s what helps makes me resilient monk!
and… as usual. i’ve written the great american novel here.
i’m so sorry monk. i just keep doing it.
they would kill me just to shut me up! LOLOL!
all that being said…
that does not mean you must lie down and let people walk all over you… or…
put up with their toxic crap!
definitely a fine line in choosing types of resilience! LOL. just sayin’.
Good for you for being able to put things in perspective. I love your comments, never apologize for the length of them!
Don’t worry about me feeling like a doormat, in general I don’t make a good victim. As the comments on the post became nastier and other people felt uncomfortable, I just deleted a new one, which caused the switch to email. They were unpleasant, but my delete key works just fine and some made good family jokes. I trusted that other readers would have the good sense to recognize the craziness. It was just when the nastiness started spreading to Ursula’s site that it started becoming too much, and you and Cathy took care of that. Bless you both again! You two turned the whole thing into a plus.
And don’t forget, there were a lot of other things going on in my life to take my mind off of the nonsense.
Nice list — I am convinced that if I could improve myself to follow these rules exactly, there will be no stress indeed !
Thanks again !
Thank you for coming by!
“closer to my friends and to my deepest values. That’s as good as it gets in this life.”
I agree.
My list. It’s a bit different because I think we are social-individual not isolated individuals. So part of resilience is good support – few entirely isolate people are resilient.
From the individual point of view:
A way of processing experience (journalling, a therapist, talking things over with friends . . . )
Physical health
A sense of agency (that we participate in creating our experience)
I like your additions. 🙂
I stopped by today, catching up after not reading the blog for several days. By the time I read forward to this latest post, I had already laughed with my husband about the cartoon concluding that “not everything has to be tinged with political metaphor.” Just a few minutes before, I had promised him I was going to stop reading political news for the morning, as that news was coloring my outlook. I had so appreciated the cartoon on “making a difference” when that difference each day didn’t have to be a big one. Today is not one of my good days physically, so I was feeling antsy watching my husband scoot around doing household tasks while I just worked at sitting upright and walking without falling. “Building resilience” came just in time, too, as I took a deep breath and settled back to think about several of the precepts. One of the surprises and disappointments of this chronic illness is that it colors my mood. One of the first harbingers of an oncoming “flare” is a change in my resilience and natural optimism. I’ve learned to recognize it as an aspect of this illness, but days like today require many choices to be happy and content. It’s not always easy to make those choices when I feel rotten and risk falling into a pattern of chastising myself for not contributing enough and requiring caretaking. And that brings the discussing right back to that “choosing happiness” post that was one of the first that I encountered on the site. I’m commenting today because I’m glad there’s this space for contemplating these issues and reading others’ viewpoints. I’m glad you stuck with it.
Thank you so much for coming by. It means a lot to me. Not being able to help and needing to be cared for must be hard, but I imagine your family thinks you contribute a lot just by being you.
I was going to use “it depends” but then I thought “really….”
I imagine we have values that seem similar to your list but then again, I think of my own values that have changed to suit yet again “it depends” – I’m not saying that I went from going to church 2 robbing a bank – and seeing nothing wrong with either value though…
I just might need a certain value at a certain time. I remember a friend of my mine shocked that I would say I was a Christian – referring that to the fact I didn’t go to church or…
I was referring to my upbringing where my parents instilled Christian values into me. Like giving up my seat to my elders on the bus – that seems to have here for sure; holding a door open to let someone else through easily; being courteous and many other things…
My other stock reply is “because I can…” – I apply that all kinds of people who suggest what seems ridiculous ideals for me.
edit – young people, now, who pay 1/2 fare – not giving up seat to full paying elders…
I love the “because I can” when other people try to impose their values on you. I was raised with some ideas that I had to discard — like women’s lives should revolve around men — that I eventually discarded. Part of growing up is deciding what to keep and what to change.
Some kids nowadays think they are the center of the universe. That’s quite a change!