The Apple video Here’s to the Crazy Ones is a refreshing contrast to headlines like this one: Neighbors recall synagogue massacre suspect as a loner. Yeah, yeah, perpetuating the myth that all “loners” are sick. America isn’t known for its tolerance of introverts and other eccentrics.
This BBC article agrees with Steve Jobs about the virtues of people willing to detach themselves from groups and chart their own paths. It points out society is a lot better off having some “loners”.
Hurray for Jobs and the BBC!
November 10, 2018
There need to be Balance between my or I time and we time.
Coffee is on
That’s the way it works for us, too, but one size doesn’t fit all.
I’ve definitely turned into a 80% loner…BUT at times that is a really big problem as I’ve not got a really good network of people asking me to things…some of that is probably (actually not probably) more is my own fault, I chose to disengage from certain things! Particularly over the last decade…
That’s definitely something to think about. My network isn’t that great either, but I do think of possibilities of what to if something happens to Andy and he is no longer here. Kaitlin is supportive, but 1300 miles away.
If something happens to Andy up on the land I have a list of people I can call to go up there to help if he doesn’t want to call Sandoval County via the Garmin SOS. So far we can still drive to Santa Fe if we need to go for doctors there, and the Senior Center has a list of volunteers to drive if people can’t drive themselves. Some of my friends have to rely on them. Our situation isn’t unique, so I figure we would figure something out. We don’t belong to a church, which is how a lot of people would network, but it’s not our cup of tea. We will just have to see!
This is my opinion. I think there are different kinds of loners. I am a loner myself, but that’s because I choose to be.
When I must, I can be quite social. I just would rather be at home with my animals relaxing or creating. I think that’s how a lot of loners out there are. They just get exhausted with all the silliness, stupidity and ugliness that’s out in the world and would just rather have some quiet time in their safe place.
But the other type of loner, the one that really truly isn’t a loner by choice, but rather is someone who just doesn’t fit in with others easily. Who is socially awkward. Someone who just can’t connect with people and who possibly has something wrong in their brain or a chemical imbalance of some kind, which leaves them feeling victimized. Maybe they have been hurt, or abused and now they want to take that pain out on others and then they sit alone and dwell on it. I think overthinking can be bad, I know that I struggle with that issue. I overthinking almost everything! And I think we need to get out of our own heads and just be.
But that aloneness can also produce creative thoughts and ideas.
But…. to someone that feels like an outsider and misunderstood or devalued… that aloneness could turn in hate and hurtful behavior.
So, I think that’s why people are scared of people who are loners. They are worried what’s going on in their brains and what they might be thinking and possibly planning.
I think if you took an individual who is very active helping others, has a lot of family around them and who are busy doing things and enjoying life,
people viewed as pretty social. I don’t think we see that kind of person out there committing mass killings.
Also, I think people in general, find comfort by putting a label on things, in an effort to give it some reason and to have make it some sort of sense.
And mass killings are always senseless.
I agree with you about the labels, I do have trouble with the common view of introverts:
You say, “I think if you took an individual who is very active helping others, has a lot of family around them and who are busy doing things and enjoying life, people viewed as pretty social. I don’t think we see that kind of person out there committing mass killings.” There are plenty of people who prefer close one-on-one relationships and care about other people. They usually don’t commit mass murder either.
One of the best stories I’ve ever read was one of psychiatrist Milton Erickson’s patients. Erickson believed,
So when one of his patients was depressed he didn’t urge her to become more outgoing. She attended church but never stayed afterwards to socialize. Instead of suggesting she stay and get to know people he asked her what she loved to do, and one of her passions was growing African violets. So he suggested she read the church newsletter and send people an African violet whenever something significant happened. She did, and she still continued avoiding people after church, but when she died hundreds of people came to her funeral because she had touched their hearts, and the local paper had the headline, “The African Violet Lady Has Died.”
Milton Erickson is one of my heroes.
Better a loner than some raving narcissist like Trump or Boris Johnson or Nigel Farage. At least the loners are highly unlikely to do as much damage as the latter.
Yes, sociopaths are often highly successful because they are socially adept, and narcissists love the limelight.
My comment has disappeared again! What I said was: Better a loner than a raving narcissist like Trump, Boris Johnson or Nigel Farage. At least a loner is very unlikely to do the sort of damage that these three are doing.
Oh, now my earlier comment has come back again!
And now my earlier comment has come back again.
And now all my comments have disappeared again….
They are still here!
True, I myself prefer one on one relationships and I’m not a lunatic wanting to shoot people.
And I get what you’re saying that loners are many times set up as a target for not being the norm or what’s considered the norm by many.
That people who are social, think that loners are oddballs and eccentric.
I was just saying that if someone’s interacting with people and enjoying having a lot of human contact, I would think they’d be less likely to want to go out and kill people. I’m not saying loners have a mental issue just because they like to be alone. I think that people who can’t connect with other people, who can’t feel compassion or empathy for others, would therefore most likely be a loner and be the ones that are more likely to go out and kill.
But I like the African violet lady story although it still makes me wonder, did her giving away the violets end her depression?
Did it bring her happiness? and also, why does did it matter whether hundreds of people came to her funeral in regards to her depression, her sadness? Isn’t that speaking more to the thoughts of people who received the flowers and not to her own peace of mind?
I don’t know. I still think that if she were to have had some people inviting her to stay after church and telling her about the joy her flowers had given them… to me, that would seem to have made a bigger impact than afterwards when she’s dead. I mean, that’s another debate there, about whether the dead know how their lives affected others or if they are just dead.
So, for me… and I’m now thinking even more so, that people need some interaction… how funny of me to say that, being the hermit that I am.
Anyway, I guess there’s just too many points left out of the story for me to really feel like it was a solution for her and her depression. Although I’m sure she did find some joy working with her violets.
Finally, I’m truly am not trying to be combative. I just think being a loner, someone that doesn’t want to interact with people, could be a small piece of a puzzle that forms a mass shooter. I’m definitely not saying being a loner is a bad thing though, or that every loner has mental issues, just that it could be a flag to someone who does have issues.
And in closing…
remember we can always agree, to disagree.
xoxo
“… people who can’t connect with other people, who can’t feel compassion or empathy for others….” Yes, those are the people who are dangerous. I’m thinking of Trump not understanding why Obama was trying to minimize civilian casualties in drone attacks. “Why would anyone want to do that?” he asked. If they’re around terrorists we should wipe them out too. (Not that I think drone attacks are a good thing.)
About the African violet lady. I assume people wrote her a lot of thank you letters so she didn’t have to hear it in person. As AE commented on yesterday’s post, some people, for instance the Finns, just don’t like small talk. I agree we don’t have enough information to know if more face-to-face interactions would have been good for her or not. And we don’t know if Erickson’s suggestion was or wasn’t helpful enough about her depression. I had assumed if it wasn’t she would have gone back and he might have suggested something else to add. And we don’t know how much connection she felt at church even if she didn’t want to talk to people afterwards. We just don’t know.
My posts are always meant as food for thought, so thank you for thinking and commenting!
Oops! AE’s comment and my response is the next post, Transported by Joy, not a previous one.
No, thank you!
It’s actually made me question my own introvert life style.
Maybe I need to make an effort to go out more……
……………
…….Or maybe not!
Hahaha!
xo
As I recall, you do interact with a lot of people at work? Maybe you just need friendlier coworkers? Or a close friend or two to connect with outside of work? Or maybe something entirely different that doesn’t take too much time and energy because you’re already overworked?! It’s hard because you need down time to recover. (Please correct me if I’m wrong!)
I’m lucky that I do have some friendly co-workers who offset the horrible ones. Lol!
And I have a good friend that I meet for breakfast every 2 weeks.
I interact with a lot of clients
And of course I have my blogger friends
But my social time is the quite the opposite that it was several years back.
Of course now I have my zoo to attend to. Ha!
But you are right, I definitely need my down time.
I’m glad you have a lot of positive interactions in your life. Do you think you were happier before your “zoo” and did more socializing? Do you miss it?
No.
The Zoo makes me happy.
I might whine and complain but…
They give me a reason for existing.
If I suddenly was denied owning any pet,
It would be the end of me.
I know. I just read an article about loneliness and it talks about different kinds. One kind, for a lot of people, is the loneliness of not having a pet. You do not have that problem. 😀