The Passion Behind the Commitment

I didn’t plan to be so intensely personal today, but Ellen’s post struck a chord. It indicates where the passion for Happiness As a Spiritual Practice comes from. This was my comment to her post (slightly edited):

“Oh, Lord, that really pierced my heart. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed of my mom, cooking in her kitchen, offering me some food. She looked so incredibly happy. Then my dad appeared next to her, with a huge smile on his face. I woke up crying, not with sadness but with a love almost too intense to bear. I’m back in that state now.

Did I have a happy childhood? Well, my sister thinks we were emotionally abused and is still angry about it, I think. My mom went through a period of depression because she felt so trapped. I was only 15 months younger than my sister, and Mom told me years later that when she found out she was pregnant with me she sat down and cried.

I was depressed in the summers, feeling that typical struggle to get out of bed in the morning and make it through another day. My dad was happy when he drank.

I’m the peacemaker type, I wanted everyone to be happy, tearing myself up when that didn’t happen, rejoicing when it did. And we did have a lot of happy moments, it wasn’t all dark by any means. The thing I remember most is how close my mother and I became as we tried to help one another.

I wrote in my first post yesterday that when I was 17 I realized my calling in life was to understand what a happy life was. Obviously the whole thing started years before that, as we struggled together as a family. Things got a lot better when Mom went to work and bought a home that she loved and I went to high school and college and got the intellectual stimulation I needed.

Do I wish my childhood had been different? I’m with you, Ellen, my main feeling is intense love and gratitude. A friend of mine once said, ‘Love is what you go through together with someone.’ That was certainly true for my mother and me. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. ”