Stay curious and open to life. No matter what happens keep learning and growing. Find what you love to do and find a way to share it with others.
That’s my basic philosophy of life. It has the advantage of giving me plenty of room to learn and grow, and it includes connection with others as well as to the deepest parts of myself. But it needs to be supplemented by some structure. So my question today is “What did you use as a guide when it was time to psychologically leave home and create your own life?”
“Goal-setting,” most people in the self-development field would say. “You have to have goals to have a sense of direction and to focus your energy and attention. Otherwise you’ll just be squandering your life.” I agree goals are great tools, but for me they aren’t enough. Goals have to be measurable, and how do you measure progress in becoming more loving and compassionate? How do you measure your generosity of spirit? Those are some of my highest values, and goal setting isn’t the best way to develop them.
So I had to figure out some strategy for working on those qualities. I needed a loving guide, someone who believed in me and wanted to bring out the best in me. Since no one around fit that description, I created one. I read a number of books about child development and started to re-parent myself. That meant promising myself unconditional love and support, no matter what happened. It also meant trusting that I was doing the best I could, noticing when I was behaving in a way I didn’t like, and suggesting what might have worked better. It meant understanding what my deepest needs were and helping me find a way to meet them.
It was a simple but powerful approach. Most of us can see how other people are messing up their lives because we can see their situations from the outside, without the emotional turmoil. So I was simply having a part of me be a loving observer, always on my side. The net effect was I always had a friend to turn to, so I was never alone. I cheerfully admit it’s an unorthodox approach. But our imaginations are powerful, so why not use them for a good cause?
Anyway, that was my approach. What about you? What approach did you use/are you using? Please share your experience in the comment section.
Picture by Elfike via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Thanks to everyone who commented this past week: Tracey, Ellen, Al, Deb, Larissa, Adebola, Joanna, bikhikebabe, Albert, Truthteller and ric.
Brilliant stuff again Jean. I think unconditional love is the most beautiful thing that you can ever to give to someone – having someone who accepts and supports you and loves you just as you are – makes a difference in you. You look different, walk different, act differently – and who else can give us such unconditional love but ourselves!
Albert,
🙂 Thanks. I thought of your latest post while I was writing it.
Wow Jean, this truly is a beautiful post.. thank you!
Like you, I do not have that loving guide around. But I think I am succeeding more and more at being that ‘ observer’ to myself, and doing everything I can to bring out the best in me..
Also, I’m not really into setting goals for myself either. Though professionally I would recommend a ‘SMART’ approach anytime, for myself I think I can only give it the best I can.
I’ll just have to see where that brings me tomorrow, and the day afterwards.. And be happy with what I accomplished so far.
If I were to set one goal, it would be to become that ‘loving guide’ you’re refering to for my own children. If I have accomplished, in any sort of way, I would truly be blessed…
Ellen,
🙂 Thanks! The great thing about the web is we can connect with kindred spirits…we’re not alone. I agree with you, parenting our children is one of our most important jobs here on earth. And getting our own lives in order is the only way to do it well.
The neat thing about doing the work I did before having my daughter was I didn’t have to worry about being a perfect parent. Hey, if I could take responsibility for my own life, then so could she when she was an adult. My job was to do the best I could and enjoy having her. We both look back on those days with fondness. Thanks for bringing back those memories.
Hi Jean,
I don’t really have anything to add about your post, but I do about your comment to Ellen! You’ve really got me thinking (again!). I always thought as a mum that it was my job to raise happy, health children. You’ve got me thinking that maybe that’s not the job, but the RESULT of enjoying having them. Suddenly that makes parenting less daunting, more fun, and much more positive. I know we all do the best we can do with the knowledge we have at the time, and your thoughts make perfect sense. Thankyou for sharing them, I really appreciate your insight.
xx Tracey
Tracey,
🙂 Thanks for writing! I remember reading that the greatest gift you can give your children is to enjoy being with them. It made a lot of sense to me. How can they feel lovable if you don’t enjoy being around them?
Great article Jean. I love how you are your own best friend. That is trick I’ve been turning to more often because “I’m always around when I need a friend.”
Another trick I’ve used it to have several friends available for different situations. One might be good with family communication, another works well with their spouse, another is always cheerful, and a fourth is a great sounding board for new ideas.
Personally I have also found blogging to be wonderful liberating for my emotions. I can write about my own pain, confusion, and fears as well as my hopes, joys, and inspiration. Just the process of putting thoughts to paper helps clear my head.
And reading fabulous articles like yours helps quite a bit too! :0)
🙂 Thanks, Shirley! I agree with you about blogging.
Shirley,
🙂 About writing–it doesn’t have to be blogging. It’s well-known that journal writing is one of the most powerful tools we have to understand our emotions and to use their energy wisely. My journal is one of my best friends.
I’ve been enjoying your thinking since I discovered this site Jean! This article is interesting since I use a somewhat similiar technique.
My name is Edward but quite often jokingly my friends call me Eduardo because I love to vacation in Mexico. When I started blogging I started signing each article as Eduardo. This seemed to change my writing, making it more playful and creative. My 2 little personalities get along quite well and I find quicker inspiration as Eduardo.
A little mind trick or a little weird, take your choice, but hey, whatever works, right?
Eduardo
Eduardo,
🙂 I noticed that on your site and thought it added a bit of playfulness, which I heartily approve of. Too many people regard self-development as a serious business, IMHO. To me it’s creative, and creativity requires a playful attitude. Good for you!
“What did you use as a guide when it was time to psychologically leave home and create your own life?”
I had no guide. First shock was going to a summer camp for a mo. far away from home. At college I was left on the library steps in another state & college personal took over. Another jolt when I got married. I don’t know how I’d have prepared myself except to just do it and get used to change.
bikehikebabe,
🙂 That works just fine for most people. And we’re all different…I had an inner drive and wanted guidance so I would use it wisely. Thanks for coming by.
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my brother is a scientist. everything with him is well thought out and quantitative. we are the best of friends.
i am almost totally an abstract thinker who believes in faeries and enchantment and talking with trees. (a huge hollow cottonwood tree was my best friend when i was seven.)
i never set goals but i used to love to make lists. (must have some left brain in there somewhere!)
i guess my mother might have been my guide. she was part auntie mame and part st bernadette. a good guide, as guides go. but i am and seem to have always been a free spirit.
though books of all kinds helped form my ‘me-ness.’
books are good things.