The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
— Mahatma GandhiIf we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive.
— Mother TheresaI have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.If we practice an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless.
— Mahatma Gandhi
As I mentioned last week, I’ve joined Bob’s St. Francis Project, which means each week in February the participants will write a post on part of the Prayer of St. Francis. This week’s lines are
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
I’m grateful to Bob for suggesting this project, because this prayer has been one of my favorites since I discovered it years ago.
At the time I tried to share it with a friend of mine, but she would have none of it. She was an ardent feminist and believed the poem perpetuated the idea that women and minorities should passively agree that they were inferior and born to be servile. They shouldn’t rock the boat by trying to assert their rights. To her the poem advocated weakness. I don’t agree.
Nelson Mandela
I can’t think of anyone stronger than Nelson Mandela refusing to be crushed by his 27 years in prison. (This picture shows one of the cells he lived in during that time.)
Instead of giving in to hatred and the desire for revenge, he understood what he wanted for South Africa and what he needed to do:
If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa, there are also roads that lead to their goal. Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness.
As a result, he helped end apartheid, became the first President of South Africa to be elected in fully representative elections, won the Nobel Peace Price and became an inspiration to millions of people around the world. No, I don’t regard his belief in forgiveness as weakness.
Other Examples
Mahatma Gandhi is another famous example of the power of love and forgiveness. His philosophy and practice of non-violent resistance liberated India from British rule.
He also inspired countless others, including Martin Luther King, Jr. of the United States.
In that conversation we had years ago, my friend said she and her friends needed to be angry to take action. Apparently they were afraid that forgiveness meant accepting the status quo and that love wasn’t a powerful enough motivator for action. Clearly Mandela, Gandhi and King demonstrated that this doesn’t have to be true. But as Gandhi pointed out in the first quote in this post, it does take a strong person to let go of hatred and bitterness and be motivated by love. “The weak can never forgive.” Forgiving means letting go of wanting to change the past and instead focusing on building something better. It isn’t easy, and sometimes it can take years to deal with our pain before we can free ourselves by forgiving.
One of the most touching stories I came across this past week was by Rachel Jones, a correspondent for National Public Radio. In Lessons From Cairo, Illinois, she writes of her first experience with prejudice as a six-year-old and of her emotional reaction to that experience and to the later disintegration of Cairo because of racism. As a teenager she wanted to leave and put Cairo behind her, but her attitude is different now:
I’m proud of the fact that my own family rejected the hatred Cairo could have instilled…I’m proud of the fact that I’m from Cairo, despite all the wasted potential, broken dreams and dashed hopes that town embodies. I’m a survivor. Cairo taught me, and still teaches me, how pointless and soul-destroying hatred is.
Amen to that. Forgiveness is simply the decision to be an instrument of peace and to choose love instead of hatred. We don’t have to be great leaders to do that. We have plenty of chances in our every day life to make that choice.
What about you? What is your experience with forgiveness? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
Balloon photo by against the tide via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Photo of Mandela’s prision cell by tom_collins via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Photos of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. courtesy of Wikipedia.
Thanks to Ellen, Al at 7P and bikehikebabe for commenting on last week’s post.
I have nobody to forgive & yet I still know how to hate (let’s call it dislike). I don’t love enough. This is a most inspiring Post.
I’ve forgiven many people… out of selfishness.
I grew up in a home with an abuser, my mother’s boyfriend (while she was still married to my father, no less) would physically abuse me and molested my sisters… I grew up with the anger (second hand, since I was too young to know what was going on by the time this man was jailed), and that anger slowed my social development.
It wasn’t until I learned that forgiveness didn’t mean opening yourself up to future abuse… that it simply means accepting the past as it is and learning from it… that I was able to open myself up to other people.
And, there’s one good thing that came from my self-imposed solitude: I learned how to use computers fairly early in my life, which is a skill that continues to benefit me.
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bikehikebabe,
It turns out one of the secrets of happiness is to like other people. What do you think? Notice how you feel when you like someone and when you dislike someone. Which reaction feels better? I know the answer for me, but we’re all different.
🙂 Thanks for coming by!
Adam,
I agree–selfishness is a great reason (the best reason?) for forgiving. It’s liberating. Thank you for sharing your experience…that’s the reason for this site.
I like everybody now, but when younger I didn’t like a couple people. I needed to forgive. I found out later they had big problems. How they treated me must have been how they felt about themselves. It wasn’t my problem. They were the ones that needed the most love which I didn’t give.
ALL of your Posts are most inspiring. 🙂
Thank you for a wonderful post.
Cairo is just across the Mississippi River from us. I’ll definitely check out that NPR story.
Hi Jean,
what a great post, and a beautiful tribute to those incredibly inspiring men!
You’re so right, being able to forgive is such an important step towards living at peace with others, and with that, in your own heart!
For me personally, I guess the biggest problem isn’t about not being able to forgive others. I do believe (or maybe better: hope) I do encounter others open, understanding and forgiving..
For me the problem lies in being able to forgive myself.. For over and over again not being able to live up to the high standards I’ve set myself..
And more importantly, for not being able to make sure that my loved ones have the beautiful life they deserve..
Sometimes, I do have the feeling that that is were it all starts, in being able to forgive yourself, before you can truly give to others..
my warmest wishes to you, Jean
Ellen
I think love is the key here. When there is sincere love, forgiveness and acceptance comes naturally. I believe that when we remind ourselves to forgive, it really is a reminder to find the underlying love within.
I also want to differentiate between forgiveness and acceptance. To me, acceptance means that you have allowance for shortcomings, while forgiveness is the actual act of pardoning a wrong. I can forgive a specific person who I feel is sincerely apologetic. I can also accept that an unapologetic person or a situation is wrong. I don’t forgive an unapologetic person, however, but I do accept them.
@Adam – that is a very moving story you shared. I gained much from it. Thank you.
Great article. I love the message that “true strength” can look and feel very different from “perceived strength”.
@Adam – I agree with the other comments, and appreciate you sharing your story. It’s been a weird month for me with several long lost friends contacting me from prison or after just getting out. It amazes me how different our lives are now, when we used to spend so much time together. It helps me appreciate the path I have, makes me thankful that somehow amongst all of the mistakes I’ve made I was able to forgive and soften enough to move away from such a hard lifestyle. Like you, I am very grateful for computers and technology so I had something constructive to turn to.
Thank you all for commenting. I’ve been thinking a lot about my responses and was going to answer tonight, but I became hooked on the coverage of Super Tuesday. No matter how it turns out, history is being made. Again, thank you!
bikhikebabe,
My experience is the same as yours, when someone treats me badly it usually has nothing to do with me. I learned that early in my teens. Some psychologists say you need to feel your anger before you can forgive. For me it’s usually not anger, it’s a feeling of deep sadness.
Bob,
🙂 Thanks for coming by. It’s nice knowing a bit more about you. When I looked up Cairo, IL I didn’t expect such a sad story.
Ellen,
This business of having expectations that are too high can be a hard one. I dealt with it by creating my own inner guide. I also used to remind myself of the following poem from the Cheerful Cherub:
I know I have a noble mind,
And honesty and tact.
And no one’s more surprised than me
To see the way I act!
I find humility and a sense of humor helps a lot. Please let us know how you handle it.
I really appreciate your coming by and sharing.
Al,
I’ve been thinking a lot about your distinction between accepting and forgiving. It’s a useful way of looking at it, but forgiveness to me also means finding it in your heart to love other people whether or not they apologize. I can’t always do that, but I gain a lot when I can. I guess I’m not pardoning the “wrong”, but I’m loving them even though they can’t see that what they’ve done was hurtful.
In a sense it’s a spiritual practice, and it’s great when I can pull it off. But I don’t beat myself up when I can’t.
Anyway, I couldn’t agree more with your statement, “love is the key here.”
Adam and Sterling ,
I like your point that having something constructive to turn to makes a big difference. I didn’t have abusive parents, but they both worked when I was a teen and my sister had a lot of rage and took it out on me during summer vacations. I would hide out in a back room and lock the door and study. It was lonely but safe, and it paid off in the long run.
Adam,
I like what you say in Peaceful Virtues: “Acceptance and Forgiveness change how we feel about our memories, without changing the memories themselves. Acceptance allows us to learn from an event instead of avoiding it. Forgiveness allows us to remove control that we have given to other people.” It’s similar to another definition of Acceptance that I’ve read: “Acceptance is the willingness to perceive reality.” That’s a great post you’ve written!
Again, thank you all for sharing.
Ellen,
I’m still thinking about your comment. What would the beautiful life…the one you’d like to give to your children…be like? When my daughter was little there were times I would hurt because life isn’t perfect, but part of me was also glad that she had to deal with some problems while she was still home and had support. The world is not perfect, and I figure the best we can do is to raise strong, loving kids who can deal with imperfection and do their part to make the world a little bit better place.
Also, about judging ourselves harshly, having trouble forgiving ourselves for not being perfect. I’d appreciate hearing your reaction to We Don’t Have to Be Perfect. I really believe being more loving and compassionate to ourselves as well as others is the greatest gift we can give to the world. But that’s just me. I’d love to hear other opinions.
Forgiving doesn’t happen in a day! It takes time. In my life experiences I have found that it is easy for me to forgive, but forgetting is the most difficult!
SH,
I agree, forgiveness often takes a long time. For me the goal isn’t to forget, though. I agree with Adam, I try to remember what I’ve learned from the incident and focus on changing the way I feel about it. Even more than that, I try to constructively use the energy from the emotions. I’ll write a bit more about this next Monday, when we talk about the second part of the Prayer of Peace (the Prayer of St. Francis):
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
We’re not helpless victims! We can do our small part to make the world a better place.
🙂 Thanks for coming by.
I’m so glad that I stumbled across your blog. I feel forgiveness is something that is necessary to raise the consciousness of the planet. Thanks for your insights.
Blessings,
Annette
Annette,
🙂 Thank you!
Jean,
I know I have been away for too long and I know I have missed a lot 🙁
Thanks for this great article. The message is so clear and soul lifting.
Hatred is like corrosion that eats deep into the heart of the bearer.
Love you Jean.
Adebola
To think Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a cell like that. I have only been alive 25 years!
My mid to late teens were strange years… I had many people treat me badly, but I also did some things that I am not proud of. For all the aimlessness of my early twenties, I did discover how to be happy and enjoy life again. Accompanying this was a period where I learned to forgive not only others who had done wrong by me, but also myself. It felt like such a weight had been lifted from my shoulders – and I’m sure this is a major factor as to how I became a happy person again.
Great article!
Hi Jean,
thanks for your sweet comments. I totally agree with you that my children’s life really doesn’t have to be perfect. It is in dealing with hardships that they (also) learn how to live life, they learn to find their inner strength. And maybe even that inner voice. A life without any challenges wouldn’t make them the balanced, strong and confident people I would like them to be..
There are however other aspects I have a tendency to feel guilty about, where (in my eyes) I could do better, more and be ‘more perfect’, and that’s really something I have to learn to deal with..
Things like e.g. the death of a close and dear relative, who died a rather painful death.. Rationally, everyone can argue that I could have done nothing to prevent this.. Emotionally, I really can not come to live with the fact that I have ‘let this happen’..
This really doesn’t make any sense probably, but to me, it really is a hard one to forgive myself. To find peace with..
I truly believe I am (trying to be) a loving and compassionate person towards others. But somehow, more and more it seems that that is an impossible thing to do, if I can’t be that forgiving and loving towards myself.. And yes.. the secret is in ‘not having to be perfect’.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to gather my thoughts, and hearing your reaction…
blessings to you,
Ellen
This is a really great post.
I love your blog.
Ellen, it’s comforting that you said your children need to learn from their own hardships. Marie, my daughter came to me with a problem. I said I can’t deal with that; I have my own problems. That happened about 30 yrs. ago & I was still feeling guilty about it.
Adebola,
Welcome back! I missed you.
Supreme Directory,
Thanks for coming by and for the kind words.
Ellen, Peter and bikehikebabe,
Oh, boy. This business of forgiving ourselves for not being perfect is a hard one. I agree, Peter, learning to forgive is like letting ourselves out of prison. How did you go about doing it? Did you find it easier to forgive others than yourself? I’ve touched on this topic in We Don’t have to Be Perfect and Loving imperfection. I agree with David Schoof : “I actually think it is the things we hold as the ‘imperfections’ in us that make us lovable. When I see someone’s vulnerability, struggle or even suffering, my heart opens.” That’s how I learned to forgive myself. I noticed I was responding that way to other people and decided I needed to react that way to myself, for everyone’s sake. When I slip now I comfort myself by watching the video of Jessica the Hippo, especially the very end, when she gets tucked in at night. It works for me. What works for you?
PS The end of the Jessica video reminds me of what I do with frightened dogs over at the local animal shelter. That’s probably why it resonates. Going over and connecting with a dog in one sense takes my mind off myself. In another sense I’m comforting the most vulnerable part of myself. It’s a win-win situation.
Hi Jean – just wanted to revisit regarding forgiveness vs acceptance. When I say I don’t forgive an unapologetic person, I think I should have instead used “can’t” instead of “don’t”. *Semantically*, forgiveness to me is an action after an apology, and thus cannot occur without the apology. My love, however, is still the same with or without the apology.
I think it would be a mistake to treat someone as if they apologized when they have not. That would be denial, which I believe can exacerbate the situation.
Comment from Al: “I think it would be a mistake to treat someone as if they apologized when they have not. That would be denial…”
I bet people don’t see a need for apology. You’re the one hurt. It’s hard to feel what another person feels. If you tell them that you were hurt in a nice way, they might apologize but don’t expect it. If you do & they don’t oblige, you’ve given them the power to make you more unhappy.
Al,
Given your definition of forgiveness, i.e., an action after an apology, it makes sense to say you can’t forgive unless the other person says he/she is sorry. And even if you accept the fact the person won’t apologize, it doesn’t mean you have to keep interacting with that person. It depends on the circumstances, but there’s no sense in setting yourself up for more hurt.
I assume you also agree with bikehikebabe that getting upset because people won’t acknowledge the damage is giving them too much power over your happiness?
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@Jean and @bikehikebabe,
Agreed on both counts 🙂 I believe we’re in agreement, but the connotation of some of my words might have caused initial confusion.
This is a great thread.
Al,
🙂 Thanks. This blog is about conversation, so i appreciate your sharing your view of things, and the way you define words. People are bound to interpret abstract words like forgiveness differently. The important thing for me is to try to understand how other people are using the term. It’s not a matter of right and wrong, it’s a matter of understanding. And the more I listen to other people the more conscious I become of how I look at things.
At Curves I put a woman’s scarf around my shoulders, stood in front of her, & said, “Isn’t this beautiful!” She snatched it off me, put it UNDER her coat & said, “I don’t like people wearing my things”.
That day & today I was friendly to her. She didn’t exactly warm up to me, but she smiled & related to other people. This made me very happy. 🙂 It’s friendly there, but I hadn’t seen her smiling or having a good time.
bikehikebabe,
Thanks for sharing. I’m curious, did you apologize for wearing her scarf? Or was this a situation where you didn’t believe you did anything wrong, that she was out of line?
I wouldn’t THINK of apologizing. She was totally out of line.
Funny thing, before Jean I’d have been offended, hurt & angry. I didn’t feel any of that, because I’d done nothing wrong.
bikehikebabe,
That sounds a great example of one person who feels her boundaries were violated vs. someone who doesn’t understand what the big deal is and thinks the other person is overreacting. It sounds as if you can’t understand the woman’s point of view and she can’t understand yours. Even though you think her way of telling you was rude, is there anyway you can understand why she didn’t want someone wearing her scarf without permission?
Maybe she doesn’t like people borrowing her clothes to wear. I threw it over my shoulders & told her it was beautiful. NO, I don’t understand why she didn’t like that. I’ve never interacted with her before so it couldn’t be something else. (This is only my 3rd wk. there.) I’m guessing something like– someone borrowed & ruined her favorite?? I know her boundaries now.
bikehikebabe,
Many years ago I was taking a walk downtown and needed to rearrange my backpack. So I set it down on the hood of the nearest car, and a fellow came running out telling me not to touch his car. I was surprised and embarrassed, but I could see where he was coming from. I could have accidentally scratched it, and anyway, it wasn’t my car to use. So I’ve never done that again.
🙂 Thanks for the conversation.
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This is a conversation with the woman whose scarf I wrapped around my shoulders & said it was beautiful. She took it off & said, ” I don’t like people wearing my things.”
I was friendly toward her, but she’d been a little chilly.
Me:”Are you still mad at me for trying on your scarf?”
Her: “I was never mad.”
Me:” I was out of my boundary; I’m sorry.”
Her:” No, it’s a phobia I have.”
Me: “I have mine.”
Me: “You have beautiful eyes.”—-( big & blue.)
She was friendly after that. Thanks Jean– It’s not like me, to talk of boundaries and sorry.
If you can genuinely compliment someone, it makes them feel good—& you too.
bikehikebabe,
What a great example of trying to see the other person’s point of view. Thank you!
I was recently a member of an online group that sincerely wanted to stop a lot of horrible things. Their hearts are in the right place but their method of bringing about change just perpetuates hate and fear.
It is more productive to work towards that which you love than work against that which you hate…
Daz Cox: Yes, when you hate, you will attack (disagree). You get resistance back. The person will defend his position.
“Think of what you want, not what you don’t want.”
Hiking up the mountain today, the trail became slippery snow on the rocks. No fun coming down. Thinking “I HATE this” was no help. Turned that into “Soon the lower elevation won’t have snow.” Made all the difference in my peace of mind.
Daz,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I really appreciate it. Your comment reminded me of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Peace Is Every Step. I agree with you both!
bikehikebabe,
🙂 Thanks for sharing, too. I appreciate your steady support.
They say that there is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love.
Dave,
I’ll certainly agree to that! Thanks so much for coming by.
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.” Great quote Dave. I love that quote. It is by the Nobel Peace Prize Nominee and author, Bryant McGill.
Rhonda,
Thanks for coming by. 🙂
Jean, this is a very interesting post.
A woman who have a problem with someone (a man) ever said to me like this:
“I forgive him but I will never forget it (of what he has done)”
Seems, she still keep the vestige.
tikno,
She’s only hurting herself. I’m going to write more about this soon.
and I can not wait to read it.
Do you thinks the ability to do the power of forgiveness also in line with someone greatness ?
a most inspiring post.
i had a mother-in-law who absolutely hated me. i didn’t know that much about hate. my own mother had died and i’d thought it would be nice to have a mother figure in my life again. wrong! she was intensely jealous and possessive of her “only” son, my husband. he kept trying to tell me not to take it personally. but when all that poison is directed at you, it’s hard to not take it personally! he kept saying, “it would be anyone i married.” she hurt me many, many times. i just took it, because my mother always had said “you be the lady.”
i wonder now if i would talk back or at least defend myself. they’re all gone now. so what does it matter? she wound up living to be 97 and lost her mind and became very violent.
it’s time to forgive and forget. i don’t think you can do one without the other. because if you don’t forget, you haven’t really forgiven. i obviously have some work to do!!!