As I’ve mentioned more than once, my motto is
Stay curious and open to life. No matter what happens keep learning and growing. Find what you love to do and find a way to share it with others.
—The Cheerful Monk
Life Shouldn’t Be This Way!
I briefly allowed myself to get thrown off track by the insurance incident I talked about last week. I generated more energy than I needed to tackle the problem when I fell into the “life-shouldn’t-be-this-way” trap. Fortunately I had already been there, done that, so often in my life that I recognized the symptoms right away.
It was easy enough to see the absurdity of what I was doing. I was upset because I was telling myself that the system was
- wasting my time with all the run-arounds, and
- making me helpless to change things.
By now that phrase “making me” is a red flag:
- If the time I spent talking to the insurance company and the provider was a waste, what would I call the time I spent fretting?
- And was I really helpless to move things along? Or were things just going more slowly that I would like? Wasn’t I choosing to be a victim by letting myself get tossed around by my frustration? By my belief that things “should” be going faster?
Well… yes.
The Rubber Band Trick
So I put a rubber band on my wrist and snapped it when I caught myself starting to play the victim. It’s a classic thought-stopping technique. The idea isn’t to snap it so hard that it hurts, but to bring us back into the present moment instead of getting trapped by the stories in our heads.
My New Role Model
And just trying to stop a thought is harder than to substitute a more constructive one, so I had to figure out what I really wanted, something under my control. That was easy, I wanted to feel centered and empowered. I’m a visual thinker and imagining a role model doing the desired behavior works well for me. I don’t have a real person I can use, so I’ve created one…the gal in the cartoon above.
I’ve used her before, when people aren’t behaving the way I would like:
And when I have more things to do than I would like:
Those two examples worked fine when I was just trying to stay centered. This time I needed something more, I needed the gal to be more cheerfully assertive. Hence the cartoon at the beginning of this post.
The strategy worked. It took me another hour and a half last Monday to get things straightened out, but I did manage to talk to a supervisor at the insurance company. It turns out they were missing some information. I had a copy of what they needed, so I faxed it to him and he promised to expedite the matter. In this case expedite means it should only take 14 business days rather than the new standard… 45 days. The provider seemed content with that, so who am I to argue?
The main thing is I now have a better idea of how their system works…a better understanding than most of the people who answer the phone. So there’s a good chance that in the future when a claim gets rejected I’ll think of my new role model, find out what further information the insurer needs and make sure it gets there. It sure beats playing the role of a victim. 😉
What About You?
Do you ever fall into the “life-shouldn’t-be-this-way” trap? If so, how do you handle it?
I frequently think this. I think it is sometimes a trap.
When it’s a trap I usually resolve it by something like: what can I do? Have I done what I can? I’ll do something nice for myself in the meantime if I have to wait.
Evans last blog post..Exploring the (sort of) Infinite
It is an easy trap to fall into. I have to put myself in the role of an observer so that I can realize what I am really doing. I am more adept now in choosing where or which aspect I would prefer to expend my energy on. I want to be in charge rather than be a “victim”.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..5 Wealth Affirmations From Famous Authors
I’m with Evelyn – the observer thing works great for me. Take myself out of the situation and try to give myself advice from a distance. Remembering Einstein’s wisdom about using a different mind to solve the problem than the mind that created it helps too. Also I try not to even use the words or think the words “problem” and “struggle” – chosing instead to say, hmmm, I have an opportunity for growth/learning something. (and then the hushed prayer under my breath: Dear God, don’t let this hurt!)
I love your rubber band trick — great for a present moment snap.
suZens last blog post..Tampering With Pampering
Hi Jean…like you any time I seem to have to deal with insurance companies…where it often feels like the manner is not to be helped..I often ask for the supervisor more quickly or mananger or owner. Its always easier to find what is needed by someone who is competent and can serve you.
Evan,
Yes, that’s pretty much what I do, especially doing something nice for myself while I wait. 😉
Evelyn and SuZen,
I agree, slipping into the observer role is powerful.
SuZen,
One of my favorite questions is, “What’s the opportunity here?” If I think I won’t like what’s going to happen I say, “Thank You, Lord, for the opportunity. I sure hope You know what You’re doing!” A little humor helps a lot.
Diane,
Asking for a supervisor is going to be easier from now on, but I know from experience that the supervisor isn’t always competent either. 😉
Yes, Jean!
I have experienced that too!
Diane,
I actually received more information about that claim today. They’ve paid part of it and said the provider has written off the rest. I phoned to ask them about that. I don’t believe that any more than I believed them last November when they said the provider had written off the whole thing. So I talked to an associate and let her do some research. After a few minutes she said she has to look into it further and will phone me back tonight or tomorrow. We’ll see. As long as the person I’m talking to is trying I’m very patient.
The important thing is I’m out of the achievement state of mind and am starting to enjoy the adventure. My documentation on this one claim is several pages long by now. It reads as a comedy. 😉
What a great post. I do have moments when I go through the “life-shouldn’t-be-this-way” trap. I usually let my instinct guide me through that particular moment. I almost always however reflect on how I reacted and try to learn not to do so in the future if it ever recurred. Difficult but since such things are not regular happenings, very helpful.
rummusers last blog post..The Whine Bar – Mark II
Thanks for the help with the photograph too.
rummusers last blog post..The Whine Bar – Mark II
Hi Jean!
Hope it finally gets resolved in the near future.
Jean, I love to watch your gears mesh! 🙂
When I find myself playing the victim – I’m pretty good at it, so I’ve had pretty good practice at getting out – I’ve gotten to that point in life where I can usually stop the process by just momentarily shutting off my internal dialogue. It doesn’t take long and works like a reset. Ellen Weber would probably tell me that I’ve learned to tame my amygdala and let some serotonin flow.
Sometimes this all happens after the horse is out of the barn, of course…but, I’m becoming quicker!
Conrads last blog post..March 24th…My Mother’s Birthday!!!
rummuser,
I think the main thing is to recognize those thoughts as a trap. One of my favorite images is the way they trap monkeys. I think of the image and ask myself why I’m keeping myself trapped. Am I really no smarter than a monkey?
I was more than happy to help with the photo.
Diane,
Thanks for the good wishes, but notice in the cartoon the “Ongoing” pile is a lot bigger than the “Done!” pile. I’ve given up on pushing for closure. I’m just trying to play my part well and enjoy the comedy.
Conrad,
I agree, it’s all right if sometimes we don’t respond until after the horse is out of the barn. It’s all part of the learning process. We humans have a lot of psychological mass. We can’t turn on a dime.
I love that term, “psychological mass.” How apropos!
Conrads last blog post..March 24th…My Mother’s Birthday!!!
I learn from this post. Thanks for sharing.
tiknos last blog post..Children of WAR!!! Kurdistan, Iraq, Iran
tikno,
Thank you!
I’m good at getting into the -Life Ain’t Fair- trap. I remember your “Play your part well…” & but worry about the result. I did all that I could do.
As for a role model—Jean, you’re that.
But– DON’T– worry about the result. (The jet lag is worse than I thought.)
bikehikebabe,
I understood what you meant even before you clarified. I sympathize with you about the jet lag.