The Woman and the Elevator
A woman was waiting for the elevator, throwing her keys up in the air and catching them as they came down. When the elevator appeared she threw the keys one more time as she stepped inside. But just as she was over the crack between the elevator and the floor, the keys dropped, falling all the way down to the basement. The people in the elevator felt sorry for her until she said, “I can’t believe I did that again!”
The Man, His New Car and his Garage
A man came into his house embarrassed. The hood of his new car was slightly longer than the old one and for the second time he had banged it into the wall of the garage. He was worried about what to tell the fellows down at the auto repair shop. I mean, once was bad enough. His wife suggested, “Why don’t you just tell them I did it?” He thought about it and said, “That might work. It did the first time.”
Stupidity or Psychological Mass?
Do you judge those people as stupid for making the same “dumb mistake” more than once? I don’t. I’ve been there, done that too many times to condemn others. And I don’t even beat myself up when I do something “dumb”. I believe in “psychological mass”. We’re creatures of habit, and most of our actions are done automatically. That doesn’t mean we can’t change them, it just means we don’t do it just by making a conscious decision. That would be like trying to stop a cruise ship by saying, “Stop!” When things have mass and inertia we need to understand what’s happening and plan ahead.
Behavior modification has been my hobby since was 16 years old. And the one thing I’ve learned is to lighten up and get curious. It’s not only more effective in changing habits, it’s also a lot more fun.
What About You?
Have you even changed habits that weren’t working for you? If so, how did you go about doing it?
I started smoking when I was about 16 years old. Over the next several years, I tried quitting again and again, only to fail.
Just before turning 30, I traveled from Arkansas to Virginia and back with two other guys from work to attend a three week school in Lynchburg, Virgina. By driving, we each were able to cash in on a rather liberal expense compensation policy. The problem was, Ken, the guy whose car we used, wouldn’t let me smoke in it. Needless to say, I took advantage of every stop to take a smoke break.
Two weeks later, Karen and I bought a new pickup truck around the time of my birthday. I decided that if I could go halfway across country and back without smoking in a vehicle, I would not smoke in the new truck — and if I wasn’t going to smoke in the truck, I might as well stop all together. That was in 1982.
I kept that truck for almost 20 years and never smoked in it. I also never had another cigarette — except now and again in a dream.
It’s been a long time since I had any desire for a cigarette, but I was surprised to realize not long ago how often I still smoke in my dreams — where it’s always easy to stop again without any effort.
Mike Goads last blog post..Redoubt
With little habits it’s mostly been a matter of persistence, not bothering too much about failures, and getting there step by step.
With bigger stuff, when this hasn’t worked I’ve needed to find out why I want to keep doing this thing so much or what is the deep attachment.
In the past, I can take a looooong time to change the way I do things. More recently, I choose to adopt a more curious, open and fun attitude. It helps!
Evelyn Lims last blog post..Visualize Your Dream House
I was the “dumb” one in our family, sandwiched between a brilliant older sister and a genius younger brother. It has taken many, many years, but I no longer believe I am dumb. And I
never was!
Jodys last blog post..First Floor Views
I can see myself in The Woman and the Elevator story…
I find that talking to someone about a habit that I want to change helps me understand why I started doing it in the first place. Once I figure that out, it’s pretty easy to stop or come up with some action that is useful and replaces the ‘old habit.’
Laurie | Express Yourself to Successs last blog post..Saturday Short Film: Validation
I could easily fill a library with books on my habits and reformation. Suffice to say being an ex-drama queen, former overly-emotional activist, and in general, author of Suzen’s Sagas was all pretty much a waste of energy in looking back on it all. Taking the Zen route is the best cure for a peaceful, restful ending of my formerly exhausting life.
suzens last blog post..Thinking, Painting and Forgiving
If I’m in touch with my core, I seem to ride through life with little difficulty and even the mistakes are minimized and almost immediately self-healing. When I lose touch with my core – or, become uncentered, if you will – EVERYTHING I do seems dumb. The world seems willing to bear witness to this.
I have learned over time that dealing with my habits yields less fruit for me than re-centering.
Conrads last blog post..The Mystery of Gail and bikehikebabe
Mike,
Good for you for stopping! That’s hard to do. Thanks for sharing the great story.
Dreams are funny, aren’t they? I still dream of situations that happened 20 years ago. It’s fun to try to figure out why.
Evan,
I agree, simply practicing a new behavior works for some habits. Others are more deep-rooted and need more insight.
Evelyn,
It makes a big difference, doesn’t it. 😉
Jody,
That must have been a hard position to be in. Good for you for breaking out of the trap.
Laurie,
That’s a great way to back off and see what’s going on.
suzen
Thanks for the chuckle. I love your description. 🙂
Conrad,
Amen to that! A lot of people never learn to get in touch with their core. How did you discover yours?
Meditation was a big chunk of it. That and learning from psychologists, therapists and fellow workers when I was working with emotionally disturbed and psychotic children. You had to “relocate yourself” pretty quickly in some of those circumstances.
Sometimes, as John Madden phrases it, I just have to tolerate being off my axis. 🙂
Conrads last blog post..The Mystery of Gail and bikehikebabe
Conrad,
Thanks. Next question: How did you happen to be working with emotionally disturbed children? What path led you there?
Jean, I really can not think of any odd behaviour pattern that I consciously changed. I suppose that I have just been a placid fellow all along.
Now, if you will permit me, Conrad is talking about his experience with emotionally disturbed children in the past tense. I think that he is making a mistake. I believe that he is still doing it. You are a regular visitor to his blog and must have noticed it, haven’t you?
It will be interesting to watch how Conrad fields that observation.
rummusers last blog post..A Tribute To Two Great Doctors.
rummuser,
No, I didn’t get the feeling that Conrad is still doing it. I assumed he was an entrepreneur when he wrote:
“Instead, what we see is that events are clustered, as though they have a gravitational attraction to one another. I go for months with very little business activity, so I spend a quite a bit of time developing a blog. In the meantime, I am becoming more and more broke, of course, but I can sure focus on that blog.
Then, all kinds of business comes in at once. That is what has happened and we as a family are simply clearing the deck so that Dad can bring home some bacon. ”
When I asked him about it in a comment he answered:
“I’m a database developer. I hang a user interface on the front of a sql server and customize the interactions for companies. That might take any form and the fun for me is in the coding to slice and dice the data, make decisions, etc. One customer is a large property management company that I do cash management across properties for. Another is an internet retailer with 7 order sources, over 1000 vendors and close to 30,000 products. I do almost every level of order management for them.
It varies all over the map. This week, I am putting together 1099 submissions for a huge funder of non-profits out of San Francisco and sending them to the IRS. The difficulty is that I was only able to get the final data to put together on Monday and the deadline is the end of the week! 🙂 It really is kind of a hoot to do this kind of work.
What language(s) did you program in? I came out of Computer Science programming in C, but now I do most of my stuff in Visual Basic and T-SQL.”
Jean, Ramana is not being literal here. He is saying that this is the nature of the interactions – and I find his suggestion very funny! In this day and age, we are all emotionally disturbed!!! 🙂
I was a science teacher in the Topeka Public School system after graduation from college. After 3 years of this I wanted to spread my wings and went off to other jobs and returned during the winters and worked as a system-wide substitute. I had a background in psychology, so when an emergency opening appeared at the Topeka State Hospital appeared for a teacher, the system asked me if I would fill it. I did and a new mini-career of 4 years developed.
Conrad,
Actually that was my first thought but I immediately dismissed it. I cheerfully admit the interactions on your site are a bit zany at times, but I think that’s a healthy reaction to the crazy world we live in. Nope, sorry. I made a commitment years ago not to be caught up in the craziness. 😉
I still misjudge how close my car is to the curb!
How have I changed a habit in the past? I quit smoking over 25 years ago and replaced it with running. I ran a 1/2 marathon on Sunday in GA with my daughter!
Tess The Bold Lifes last blog post..10 Rules for a Bold & Daring Life
Tess,
Good for you on switching from smoking to running! About parking—I gave up parallel parking years ago. I suppose if we cared we could practice until we learned to judge better, but would that really be the best use of our time? 😉
Conrad,
Oh the other hand, one of my favorite sayings is “We’re all a bunch of nuts.” Why should you or your visitors be any different?
Jean,
I encourage some of that zaniness on the site (obviously) and then try to keep it good-humored and light jousting of each other. What I am doing is giving adults a place to play again and then working on behavior in the sand box.
We all too often forget how to play when we age and playing is so important to well-being. And to creativity as far as that goes.
Conrads last blog post..The Mystery of Gail and bikehikebabe
Boy did I ever. I’m still not sure how I’ve done it other than I haven’t quit it alone. It being alcohol.
I guess, to be as brief as possible, the way I quit was one minutes at a time and being grateful for that one single minute of sobriety. Sure, I went through rehab but going at it outside of rehab was and is at times tough. So, there are days when I still quit, one minute at a time.
Scotts last blog post..Not-So-New Spam Notification
Conrad,
The playfulness comes through, but I don’t understand the “working on behavior in the sand box”. Could you explain that a bit more? The posts about Manchester, in particular, seem more about lifting the spirit by sharing great memories than about working on behavior.
Scott,
Is it gradually getting easier? I imagine that writing about your journey on your blog helps. My dad was an alcoholic and never could stop. He died of cirrhosis of the liver, and I still mourn when I think of it.
I went to a workshop by Jacqueline Small about alcoholism once. Her main point was that alcoholics are looking for something better in life, that’s why working on one’s spirituality is so important. I think of that every time I read one of your posts.
Jean,
The fun doesn’t start until the comments and the interactions begin. I view the post as a launching point for the exchange. Anyone can come in with comments and I want people to interact with one another as well as with me.
It’s my blog. I don’t mind someone playing a little rougher with me than with someone else, because it doesn’t pose me any threat. However, I don’t want readers roughing up other readers that they don’t know very well. That is what I mean by working on behavior in the sand box. Play nice. Keep it fun and share the enjoyment.
Conrads last blog post..The Mystery of Gail and bikehikebabe
Conrad,
Thanks for the explanation.
Jean if it’s getting any easier it’s only slight. As I sit and type this comment I still have this craving, this “taste” that I can’t shake. It’s as if my tongue is telling me that it wants another. There are good days and bad days and I’m so glad of that.
Without my spirituality and how much it has grown over the last year, I really don’t see me sitting here writing these words. IT is THAT important to me. So important that my blog has really went more spirituality than dealing with alcoholism, but I guess that’s how an alcoholic is supposed to deal with his disease. 🙂
Scotts last blog post..Not-So-New Spam Notification
Scott,
That’s certainly Small’s point of view, and it made sense to me when I heard it.
Some people find Gary Smalley’s “treasure hunting” useful. Basically you ask how you’ve become more loving from your experience, how you’ve learned something that can help other people. Maybe it’s still hard, but at least there’s some meaning in the experience. It sounds as if your desire to become a counselor is like this, a way to use your experience to help others. What do you think?
YES, I so want to help people. I’ve made tee tiny steps toward grabbing a couple of online courses at Liberty University just to see if I will even like or enjoy the school part, but never fully committed. It’s too scary 🙂 It’s a huge change. Yet, it’s not as though it’ll happen tomorrow. The thought has not left me since I wrote about it though.
Scotts last blog post..Not-So-New Spam Notification
Scott,
My guess is teeny tiny steps are the best way to go about it. Don’t forget you don’t have to be a professional to help people. I helped my mom a lot by being a supporter and sympathetic listener. You might like Becoming Naturally Therapeutic: A Return To The True Essence Of Helping. I’ve led groups and taught classes in behavior modification, active listening, stress management and dealing with difficult people without a degree in counseling. I did get formal training in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), but that was more for fun and because some people feel more comfortable if one has some certification.
Scott,
My guess is you’re already helping by sharing your life in your blog. I personally get a lot more out of conversational blogs that are about sharing our various experiences than blogs that try to teach.
Jean, bless you. You took me seriously. You must be the only one on this planet who still does. Despite all that has been said, I can say one thing for certain. I am certainly one of those that Conrad is comfortable with. For the moment, I shall refrain from naming a couple of others too.
rummusers last blog post..A Tribute To Two Great Doctors.
rummuser,
Ah, but have you noticed how little you banter on your own site? Are we to interpret your posts as jokes too?
In fact, I’m not trying for a bantering tone here. Ideally I would like people to look at their lives more deeply and share their unique perspective with others. That often means feeling vulnerable. Teasing and bantering can shut people down in self-protection.
My husband and I laugh and joke a lot. Occasionally it takes the form of bantering, but we know one another well enough that it’s safe. Most of our laughter is about the craziness of the world.
Jean,
I think there is a skilled fine line that can simultaneously pull forward real meaning and substance without threat. Don’t you view conversation as a dance of developing meaning?
Conrad,
Sure, and I think some jokes can get in the way of conversation, especially when a lot of people are involved and when there are no nonverbal clues. I think suzen’s comment above was hilarious and added to the conversation. I ignored the implied joke in rummuser’s comment because he seemed to be saying he wasn’t interested in the topic and was changing the subject. I wanted to encourage other people to respond to the main topic. I’ve been fascinated by behavior modification since I was sixteen years old and want to hear about other people’s experiences and hopefully share the joy.
Jean,
When you say, “I’ve been fascinated by behavior modification since I was sixteen years old…” what do you mean by that fascination?
Conrads last blog post..CNN Live Chat Stream Available
Conrad,
When I was sixteen I cured myself of a dental phobia using self-hypnosis. It was heady stuff. I was never stuck after that…if my life wasn’t going well it might take me a while to figure out what to do but here was never any doubt that I was empowered to do it. And it was intellectually stimulating. How does the/my mind work? How much can we/I influence it? Can you believe it was even more interesting than physics? Hard to imagine, right?
Oh, it is fascinating indeed – although physics hangs right in there!
I was just worried you were studying how to modify OUR behavior! LOL
Conrad,
Nope, not at all. I’m an observer and listener, not a manipulator. I have taught some classes/led some groups on the subject, but it was just ideas to be tried, if anyone wanted to use them. Well… in fact there was always one person who integrated the ideas into her life…me. 😉
Jean, see my latest post as my response to your query. Is there some banter there this time?
rummusers last blog post..Colour Bias.
rummuser,
Yes, I found the banter. And very charming it was. 🙂