I recently bought Rosen’s book because I’m a fan of Quentin Blake, the illustrator. It’s a moving children’s book about Rosen’s sadness at the loss of his son and how he copes with it. I was especially touched that he thought to share his feelings with children.
So when I was reading about Ray Bradbury this quote by a friend of his caught my attention:
That day I learned at least two important lessons from Ray Bradbury, both directed to me as a man. Bradbury believed that it is a big mistake for men to suppress their feelings. “Mick, if you’re reluctant to weep, you won’t live a full and complete life.” He went on, “if you’re embarrassed because you have some notion about how men are supposed to behave and it doesn’t include weeping, then you have some personal work to do.” Bradbury told me that when he needs to cry, he goes in the bathroom, shuts the door and gets in the shower. You can cry your heart out and no one is going to hear you.
Bradbury was also a big proponent of taking some time to escape. He would take one afternoon a week. He would go to the video store and get a couple of movies. They were usually ones that had been praised or recommended, or sometimes he would just pick a couple at random. He’d make some popcorn and sit down and watch videos for a couple hours.
I agree with Bradbury on both counts, but, of course, I’m not a guy. What do you think?
I’m not a guy either. But when our oldest son’s best friend killed himself I told Kendall to cry.
You’ll want to know why. –The family had plenty of money but the father told Gary [16] he had to earn the money for college because HE had earned his college money.
Gary had pulled weeds at his teacher’s & she told him she didn’t need him anymore, even tho’ there were lots of weeds. She smoked & didn’t want Gary to know.
Gary made B- on a test & it happened after that.
Whole problem was he was depressed & impulsive.
bikehikebabe,
That is sad. Do you agree the if we shut ourselves off from sadness, fear, whatever, we can’t live a full and complete life? I tend to agree because if we try to protect ourselves from the “negative” emotions we also shut ourselves off from joy, happiness, and all the positive feelings. That wouldn’t be a good bargain for me.
I am a guy and am completely in agreement with Bradbury. I can weep at the drop of a hat and do so often. I also take time off to wander by myself and do things like sit under a tree and read. I know parents who have lost children and in one case to a terrorist attack, and there is nothing to compare with that sense of loss and grief. Every time the topic comes up, it is time for tears all over again. I do not think that it is unmanly to cry.
Just because a person doesn’t weep openly doesn’t mean that that person is shut off from sadness, sorrow, fear, etc.
That’s not to say that I never do it. Sometimes tears come to me all too freely.
Ans so far as time to escape, I probably do too much of it — though it’s not in the form of videos or TV.
A couple of weeks ago on NZ’s got Talent – one of the judges, a male burst into tears and then tried to cover up by saying “guys aren’t supposed to be tearful” the cameras showed the tears pouring down his face as the young girl played a guitar and sung a tear jerking song…the woman next to him basically said it was fine but the guy on the other hand was quite scathing about the matter…
I’m not a guy either but I often fall into “sadness” mode although it’s usually linked with the “lonely” word. I am lonely at times, because I have no partner and live alone. But it’s a passing moment, a bit like when you see a movie and can’t stop laughing. We don’t do the emotional thing 24hrs/365days of the year…it comes and goes.
Smart man.
Rummuser,
That’s a healthy response to the loss.
Mike,
That’s a good point–it doesn’t have to be tears. But crying removes stress hormones from the body, so it can be healthy. The studies compared emotional tears with tears caused by peeling onions, and onions didn’t work.
Cathy,
I agree that emotions change and we’re not so apt to get stuck in them if we freely accept them and realize they’re a part of life.
I’m not sure how I would handle it if something happens to Andy. I told Kaitlin I would be a complete basket case for at least a year but she wasn’t supposed to worry about it. It’s just part of the process of mourning. I had trouble eating for at least six months after my mother died–I loved her and was glad that I could help nurse her at the end.
I wish people had written or called in disagreeing with the idea that men shouldn’t cry.
I’ve been thinking of you a lot, wondering how you will get a new microwave. I hadn’t thought about the logistics of getting one home without a car. Here we would simply order it online and have it delivered. UPS loves us because we’re such good customers.
Evan,
Agreed!
From what I gather, young men are much more relaxed about expressing their emotions, be they positive, negative or whatever. It seems to be mainly older guys who’re still stuck in the “men shouldn’t show emotions” stereotype.
I express my emotions a lot, so much so that Jenny sometimes accuses me of being too girly! Which is her stereotype and not mine!
I think that’s true Nick. The younger people are much saner than my generation ever were (or are).
Nick,
If so I think it’s a healthy trend. My impression is the main emotion men were supposed to feel was anger. Somehow that was appropriately manly.
Looks like a book I might enjoy; love the cover illustration. Thank you for posting this.
Feeling and expressing sadness through tears is healthy. It practically defines, ‘letting go’. No matter how many times we cry, each event brings us closer to closure. Instead of weakness I feel strength and renewed spirit. Thanks Jean.
Dixie,
I like the idea that tears are a direct way of letting go. Thanks.
my dad was raised not to cry … to “be a man.” to ‘stand it.’ and consequently he raised us the same way. i used to say…
“but i’m not a man!” lol.
i can laugh now. but i do see the sadness of it too. you’re closed off to a whole part of you. my grandfather in new york would come to visit us and cry openly. it showed me that it was ok. but mixed feelings there as a child. good ponderings on this post.
people are so hard on each other aren’t they. i mean with our shoulds and should nots! like the poor man contestant.
tammy,
When Kaitlin was about 5 or 6 she started crying softly when she thought about the favorite pair of shoes she had had to discard (her idea to toss them because as she said, we can’t keep everything that wears out). When Andy saw the tears he said, “Don’t be a crybaby!” She answered, “It’s all right to cry! Mommy said so!” A few years later she didn’t pay much attention to what I said, but at least she heard me on that one.