Linda has mentioned that she’s disconcerted when people she had viewed as kind and loving turn out to be prejudiced about people who are different from them. I know how she feels.
I was excited when scientists started talking about oxytocin, the hormone that lessens stress and anxiety and fosters trust, cooperation, forgiveness, generosity, and empathy. All good things, right? Just what the world needs. Some people even jokingly suggested if we put the hormone in water supplies it would solve a lot of problems.
Of course, it was too good to be true. Yes, ocytocin tended to make people feel kinder and closer to members of their own group, but it also tended to make them more unfriendly to outsiders. Strong social bonding often means exclusiveness.
I tend to have warm, friendly feelings towards people, but I’ve mostly not joined groups. And when I’ve experienced cliquishness I’ve been lucky enough to be able to ignore it or to leave. What has your experience been?
June 21, 2015
I tend to avoid groups of any kind because as you say they often tend to be cliquey and insular and scathing towards anyone who’s not in their group. And yes, I’ve also known people who seem kind and loving but turn out to be extremely prejudiced towards those who are very different in some way. A lot of seemingly open-minded people are strongly transphobic, for example.
Your use of the word scathing reminds me of an acquaintance once. She said she missed her husband because it was fun to come home from parties and criticize the people who were there.
Do you personally know people who are transgender? I’ve known a lot of gays, but that was years ago, before it was safe to come out, so I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I do think things are a lot better now.
I am gregarious by nature and enjoy being in groups. I am at the same time quite comfortable with my own company and on most occasions prefer the latter. With advancing age, I find that the latter is becoming me more than the former.
I’m half introvert, half extrovert. And I’ve always enjoyed having discussions via writing — it gives one time to ponder things. So blogging and the internet is a real blessing for me.
Sometimes, I wish I was more of a joiner, but I recognize that goes against my nature. I really have never joined any organized or formal group of any kind — even in my politics, I’m an independent.
After reading Nick’s comment, I had to look up the term, transphobic, though I was pretty sure that I knew what he meant. Living in a small town/semi-rural area of the south, one would think that there would be little or no exposure to transgender people. However, at work, a fellow, Ricky, became a gal, Katy Angel. I was much better prepared than most, as, years before, I had read Christine Jorgenson’s autobiography. I can’t say that I was surprised by the prejudice of co-workers in my work group, but I never saw it expressed overtly, nor do I know of anything that impacted Katy in her work group. She did lose her job in one of the recent job realignments (aka work force reduction), but so did others in her job classification. I think she took a financial incentive package and retired.
That’s impressive that they didn’t express it overtly. As far as I know, I’ve never known someone transgender, but I can’t imagine being upset by the fact.
i am not a joiner by nature.
at times in my life it was unavoidable… ‘team’ seminars at work etc…
i do alright but it’s not my favorite environment.
i’m like rummy in that i find enjoyment simply in my own company nowadays. that sounds a bit self centered perhaps. i don’t mean it that way.
in high school which is notorious for being cliquey … i managed to have friends in all of them without being IN any of them. reading thoreau at that time helped me a great deal i think.
I loved high school. There were over 3,000 students in it so it was easy to find friends that were interested in the same things I was. There was an “in” crowd, of course, but it didn’t affect me or my friends.
I hate cliques.
I prefer to sit back and just take it all in.
In school, I had some bully incidents that made me shy and introverted
and I was also sick all the time while in grade and middle school so I didn’t fit into any groups as I was left behind.
By high school, there were no groups that I wanted to be part of.
I don’t care for sports and teams and I’ve never been a joiner of clubs either
and I don’t like organized religion.
When I was in my really 20’s I became a part of a big clique without even realizing it. I worked at a very popular hotspot in town and all the employees were very close friends. I just started working there as a quiet cook and then was forced to waitress and bartend by the owner. That job pulled me right out my shell. Suddenly people wanted to be part of our “group” and everyone wanted to be a friend. To be honest I was judgmental back then because I had the social power over the same kids that had bullied me while in school.
Later, I realized how shallow it all was.
I’m much happier being a hermit!
Is there any cliquish behavior where you work? I thought of you when I wrote this post.
It’s nice to enjoy our own company, and the company of pets for those who have them. Then one can be a lot more selective in the people we interact with. There are lot of nice people, and a lot of not so nice ones. And bless the internet for expanding our choices!
i belong to a biggish group – men/women – mostly much older than me. Until, recently i would go the club meetings and find myself on the outer ring…
one morning something hilarious happened which was a joy to observe…
some brand spanking members came in early and took a front table [usually 5 chairs at each] – what they failed to know was that this table and the next is always joined up for a clique!
the clique came in and it was when the fun began – they were completely at loss what to do because by then us on the outer ring had all the other tables sown up & there was only one table for the 8 of them!
they found a table but it had to be more or less lifted over others- they had to ask us to shift slightly….NOW they have to reconfigure because every month since the table they lost is taken by others 🙂
i am now the President AND NO-ONE wants my chair [i’ve been the president before]
What a great story! Thank you. 😀
Wow, interesting research! I didn’t know about that. I’m not a big joiner, but I have joined a few groups since moving to a small town in 2007: the local symphony orchestra, book club and newcomer’s club. I stood up several times at our newcomer’s club and asked why we were all white and of a certain age and socioeconomic group–although my husband and I are not really at the same level financially as some. Surely, there were people of color moving to our little town? People who lived in lived in subsidized housing? What could we do to attract people who didn’t all look exactly like each other? My questions were met with stares. Friendly bunch. Friendly to some.
At our book club meeting, we’re all far-leaning lefties in a Tea Party town. Why is that? Do the types of books we list scare anyone else off? But surely Night Train to Lisbon and The Elegance of the Hedgehog do not seem overtly political?
The symphony orchestra was the most egalitarian group I joined, and I so regretted having to drop out when RA took away my ability to play the violin. During practices, I looked around me and saw people in torn T-shirts sitting next to people in preppy clothes, people who were fifty years younger than I am and twenty years older. Maybe instead of oxytocin, music is the answer? Or art, perhaps?
Maybe music, with people working together to create something. An artist I met here in town said he was surprised that the artists here were not that supportive and friendly. They were highly critical and competitive. Yuck! Thank you for the details, I was curious.
I’m sorry you had to drop the one egalitarian group because of the RA. Needless to say, I like friendliness!