Andy often gets greeted by name when he sees people up in the mountains. Often he hasn’t a clue who they are, but they know him. A couple of days ago it happened again when he was opening the gate at the bottom of the del Norte Canyon Road on the way home.
The fellow said,
Hello, Mr. Browman.
Andy said hello. Then the fellow asked,
Would you mind if I asked how old you are?
Andy said, no, he’s 86.
Then the fellow said,
Well, you don’t need a babysitter.
That may sound rude or insensitive, but in fact the fellow was clearly trying to get his mind around an 86-year-old going up and working every day.
On the other hand Judi Dench is 86 now too, and her experience was different a while back when she had to go to urgent care for a minor health matter. The doctor clearly didn’t know her and instead of seeing a competent, accomplished woman, he saw a helpless old lady. He was condescending and asked if she had a “carer”, someone looking after her.
There’s nothing wrong with some of us very old (over 80) people needing help, but people shouldn’t make assumptions. In any case, they should treat everyone with respect.
It reminds me of George Bernard Shaw:
My tailor is the only sane person I know. He measures me anew every time he sees me.
March 14, 2021
I had a similar experience to Judi – when I was in pain but the emergency doctor started by analysing me, without actually asking me things.
He suggested: you need to live with people, have lots of household help, I’ll get a social worker to work through that with you, you probably need to live in pensioner group housing, and you need to …. and on it went.
The social worker did speak to me…and decided that I wasn’t even able to use my phone app to get the cab of my choice, insisted she call on their link service to the more expensive taxi service. ummmmmmm
but when it came down to things this last week back. Communication had gone pear-shaped. The auxiliary help dept woman finally said in the end “well I think someone has got the wrong end of the stick” – this in relationship to have some one come in daily “shower and dress me”
I wondered as I hang up the phone, I was so angry but also sad! I’ve pottered along for years…a little like Andy and yourself, doing the things that need to be done, at a pace that isn’t related to “having to be fast” unless I choose.
of course, I’m not a notable character like Judi – and I was in mismatched PJ’s on that particular morning because I had gone to emergency in an ambulance – at around 5am! I hadn’t thought to get dressed up…
released at around midday, went home in taxi, feeling very vulnerable in my PJ’s with all this other mess ringing in my ears! Now I’m more determined than ever to do my thing, even as a single and be in this flat as long as possible…
A lot of people want to be as independent as they can for as long as they can. One of the things I’m most happy about in my life was being there for my mother towards the end so she could die in her beloved home and not in a nursing facility.
Oh, this makes me SO cross! I’ve known people in their 50’s who have difficulties getting around.
I wonder how that “doc-in-the-box” would have felt if someone asked why he was working there v. in private practice. (Not nice, I know, but neither was he.)
I think of Dr.Spock’s phrase “cheerfully firm”. No fights, just being clear about what we want and sticking to it.
When I was still working I was careful how I treated my clients that were much older. Some wanted help with their dogs and their supplies but others, especially men, would get annoyed if I offered help. It was a fine line between offering good customer service and offending them as though they were somehow handicapped just because of their age.
Truthfully I always prided myself on doing everything on my own too and now I have people running up to help me because I’m walking slower and most likely my cancer cap adds to it. Or it could be that they just view me as a senior now. I gladly accept the help unless they treat me like a child but if someone totally dismissed me? Asked if I had a caretaker? I’d be livid.
That’s the thing, not being treated as a child. I’ve seen doctors who have done that even with younger patients. They were the god and not to be questioned. Hopefully that’s a dying breed now.
Dame Judi Dench is the most beautiful woman and fine actress.
I do think the doctors and others are a bit pushed by incentive to offer services no matter if you need them or not.
The have grown up now thinking that everyone needs and deserves help , not caring if we want to do it ourselves and are fine just as we are. Youngsters nowadays! 🙂
Andy and I are lucky with our doctor. We’re a team, focusing on keeping us healthy and active as long as possible.
I wonder how many elderly people who actually do need help would admit it when those emergency doctors and their dial-a-social-workers start asking the questions. In my opinion those who need it the most are the least likely to admit it to even recognize that they are slipping. It’s easy for me to get a little aggravated when people assume I don’t know my why around computers but then I try to remember that all age brackets of people get stereotyped to a certain point. It happened to me recently signing up for the vaccine.
I think we need to be clear about what we’re capable of and what we need help with. Thanking them for their concern and help is probably a good idea in a lot of situations.
Cognitive status should be high on the list for determining a person’s ability to make judgements amid right to take risks as we age. My Dr. should know me well as he once referred patients to me, too, and does seem to have my welfare at heart, but leans more toward retirement communities for aging patients than is my taste. Given I live alone and have no family or anyone here I can appreciate his view but I continue to view my living in place as a grand experiment of adaptation and accommodation as I tell him and my adult children who live out of state.
Our doctor knows us well and is rooting for us. She did ask Andy a couple of years ago, “What are you and Jean going to do when you’re 90? There are no retirement communities locally, but we do have an assisted living place that could be bearable if absolutely necessary. The nursing home next door to it would be horrible. So we looked into visiting nurses, and that could be an option along with some home care. We we see soon enough.
Independence is important no matter what age, but needed help & expressing that need with gratitude is something the independent frowns upon.
Andy used to be fiercely independent. Now he agrees we make a great team.
Because my hubby is 84, our insurance calls all the time, asking if he needs help dressing or help taking his meds. I am 76 and they never call for me, just him. sterotype is what it is, we need to start a new battle cry Senior Lives Matter. ha ha. kidding.. Bob’s doctor does the talk down thing, he was my doctor and i got sick of him and went to another one..
I left a doctor once because of the talking-down thing. We like our present one.
About Senior Lives Matter, the folks prioritizing the vaccines believe that. Non-seniors who are especially vulnerable to Covid because of health problems think it’s unfair to base it on age rather than vulnerability. It’s a mess.
It’s rather sad that some think once you reach a certain age you are helpless. I see lots of senior citizens during my day at work. Some probably get around better than people half their age and some need a little help. Age is not a one size fits all kind of thing
Yes! People age at greatly different rates.
It has been interesting to read all the replies…I have had to take Roger to a different dr twice, and each time walked away feeling like he liked the sound of his own voice more than he wanted to.hear about Roger’s history. Just did not want to listen.
That’s bad! Listening is the most important part of diagnosing and treating.
True, people make strange assumptions about the elderly. Even my previous doctor. When I was doing up my shirt cuffs after some examination or other, she asked me if I needed help with the buttons. No, and I still don’t need any help with my buttons!