We lived in a small town/semi-rural area when I grew up and I was fairly isolated from other kids except for school. The first picture was of me in seventh grade…one of my happiest years of late childhood. I had a close friend, Mary, who was interested in the same things I was, and I was always excited to get to school.
What a difference a year makes. One morning in eighth grade I went up to her in the school yard, happy to see her, and she cut me dead. She made it clear she never wanted to talk to me again and wouldn’t say why. I figured it was because I was such a mess…I mean my body was changing, I had gained a lot of weight, and I hated that part of life. Yeah, yeah, it would have helped a lot if I had combed my hair….
Anyway, it still hurts to think about it. I knew the standard reaction…”If you don’t like me, then I don’t like you, so there. If you’re going to be mean to me, I can be mean to you too.” That didn’t work for me. I was hurt and I still liked her. I wasn’t going to deny it. So I made other friends, and I didn’t push myself on Mary but didn’t avoid her either. I was in that horrible self-conscious stage, but I forced myself to be kind and polite whenever we saw one another. It was hard at first, but like anything else, it got easier with practice.
That went on for two years. Then in high school, in tenth grade, she started thawing out and we became best friends again, a friendship that lasted until she died of cancer a few years ago. One night in 11th grade we had gone to a meeting and she drove me home. She told me why she had done it…it was because her mother had died when she was in sixth grade and her father was an Italian immigrant. He was 50 years old when she was born, and he spoke little English. They had nothing in common so she felt lonely and alienated. She was jealous that I had loving parents, and she had hated me more when I was so nice to her.
Talk about life-long lessons… I cried, of course, when I got home…what a stupid waste…but I learned two valuable lessons from the experience:
- Don’t take other people’s reactions personally. It hurts to be rejected, but we’re all acting out of our own needs. If it’s not a good match, it’s not a good match. Of course, if combing your hair and keeping your body healthy is an issue then by all means do it, for your own sake if nothing else.
- Get your ego out of the way…get in touch with your deepest values and try to live them. Life is too short to be petty. Life will still hurt at times, but if you handle situations well you can make the pain worthwhile.
That’s when I first started learning the traits of stress-hardy, resilient people. That list comes from hard-earned experience, and the traits were an integral part of my life before I tried to articulate them. They work for me.
What about you? Have you ever been rejected? What did you learn from the experience?
Thanks to rummuser and bikehikebabe for commenting on last week’s post.
I had a close friend growing up. Judy was always gay. Had crushes on girls through high school. In Jr. High I had my girl friends for a stay at our cabin. Judy organized a kissing contest. She was the only contestant & got another girl to oblige. The kiss lasted 2 minutes. She won.
At our 50th high school reunion I asked her where her better half was. (the woman she lives with in CA) She said in an unfriendly way, she wasn’t married; never had been. She glared at me across the room after that.
I was hurt. Later angry. Finally I realized that she must have had unpleasant experiences, being lesbian, & thought anyone having been brought up in West Virginia would be judgmental.
bikehikebabe,
Experiences like that are never pleasant, but they do wake us up to how other people must be feeling. Thanks for sharing.
Obviously, not all people can be so patient in trying so hard to patch things up. And this can be another reason for stress to get in the way. May be forgetting or learning to put aside unnecessary emotional loads may help in battling against stress.
No Jean, I seem to have been quite fortunate. I have not really ever been rejected. There have been cases where we have drifted apart due to many reasons, but no abrupt rejection. My recent experience about which I had written earlier is not quite rejection as much as expectation not meeting reality. My friend has subsequently been in telephone touch and now tells me that before he leaves, he will come back for a few days to stay with me.
rummusers last blog post..A Sales Representative’s Dilemma.
Elisabeth,
I agree, putting aside emotional loads is a great stress-reducing strategy. At the moment I’m reading Kathleen Norris’ Dakota–A Spiritual Geography. She often goes to a Bendictine monastery. Once one of the monks told her someone had told the abbot a lie about him when he had first joined the order. The monk decided to be patient and not say anything…he would let the matter resolve itself in the fullness of time. The situation did eventually correct itself…ten years later the abbot realized his perception of the monk was completely wrong. As the monk said, with a twinkle in his eye, “and what’s ten years to a monk?” I don’t have that much patience yet, but I’m working on it. 🙂
rummuser,
I’m glad your friend is coming back. The visit should go better with more realistic expectations…please let us know.
Pingback: Middle Zone Musings » All Entries - What I Learned From My Friends
Great lessons, Jean. So glad you had a chance to know what the deal was before it was too late; sometimes you may never know.
Thanks for joining us this month!
Robert Hruzeks last blog post..Gettin’ Back to Normal – Sortof
There are always thoughtful and thought-provoking responses to Robert’s excellent writing projects. Your post here really has me thinking. I do know that I’m much better at life in general when I remember to get my ego out of the way and stop taking it all personally. This is a great reminder.
Monique Attingers last blog post..What I Learned From My Friends About Allergies
Monique,
I’m glad it helps. My next post, Sunday, will be about getting our egos out of the way, too. I don’t know about you, but I can use all the reminders I get!
What a powerful reminder. Like a lot of other folks, I’m quick to assign blame to myself when something goes wrong, including friendships. Even though I’m happily distant from the cold war of female adolescence, the deeper meaning of your story still rings true.
I can’t decide if I’m comforted or saddened that the “Queen Bees and Wannabes” culture is nothing new.
Sara at On Simplicitys last blog post..Three Ways You Relax and Unwind
Sara,
I don’t know about the “Wannabees”, but when I was teaching sixth graders in Sunday school, there certainly was one Queen Bee. It was interesting.
I don’t think of my experience with Mary as a Queen Bee thing. She was just hurt and jealous. I’m still glad I didn’t fall for the social game playing but hung in there and stayed authentic. That was the lesson I learned. It was great that we became good friends again..I still treasure those memories of high school…but making that decision to stay authentic would have been empowering even if she hadn’t changed.
Hi,
Wow, That story is amazing and speaks highly to me about being non-judgemental to me.
For me I never had rejection from a friendship. Just people moving away or loosing touch later.
Until seven years ago one of my best friends and I had a huge falling out. We worked together and it was my first time in my life I ever had to deal with this type of situation. I felt we were like family. We shared our whole adult lives together. Some holidays and our childrens birthdays. It was like being unplugged. I haven’t spoken to her for years . Though I called months later. Actually I think I am still stunned by it. I don’t think I”ll ever completely understand what happened.
Hi,
Wow, That story is amazing and speaks highly to me about being non-judgemental.
Snakelady (She rescues snakes; has 40 in her home.) is fascinating but she has views different from other people, like trapping people’s cats, taking them to Animal Shelter, because they kill birds. She doesn’t want you to disagree with her views. One time she was angry with me. I asked Jean what to do. She said to tell her that I valued her friendship & didn’t want to lose her as a friend. Now Snakelady is an extremely good friend. (That’s her computer name I gave her. She says she’s not a lady & not a snake.)
Diane,
It’s hard to lose a good friend, isn’t it? I sympathize. Tomorrow’s post is about my losing Mary, my uncle and my mother through death. That one was hard to write! It’s not as downbeat as it sounds.
bikehikebabe,
🙂 I’m glad you told her that. It’s hard to disagree with opinionated people without them getting upset, but it’s worth a try to let them know you value them even if you disagree with some of their ideas.
If you’re wondering about Snakelady & what a “rescued” snake would be… That might be an exotic pet snake that someone didn’t want anymore. If let loose it would die. Or an injured snake that someone tried to kill & didn’t succeed.
bikehikebabe,
It sounds as if she has a big heart. That counts for a lot in my book.
Just having a rough morning after being dumped by a friend TWO YEARS AGO! Most times I get past it but sometimes I really wonder what happened. Friends for 20 years, in my wedding, we both adopted children within 2 months of each other, just pure luck it worked out that way, shared so much, I helped with parties for her family, you name it, day and night calls, then she stopped returning calls. Actually had someone else working for her in-home day care return my last call. I know her son has emotional issues but the old her would have asked my help, not shut the door. I’m still trying to decide if she just doesn’t have time, is embarrassed that my daughter is typical kid and her son is really struggling with his issues and trips to doctors. I just don’t know and it’s just so out of character from our past. I did email her husband one time asking him if there was something I should know and I wouldn’t bother her anymore and he told me it’s nothing personal they are just “busy” but that’s a load of poop! YOu don’t go from calling me 6 times a day to 0. Just having a rough day.
That’s rough! Maybe she is having a tough time with her son 🙁 & your daughter does so well 🙂 If you can get her on the phone tell her how much you value her friendship & don’t want to lose her. If that doesn’t work, this is your lesson in Letting Go.
Lori,
Bless you! That hurts. I’m guessing that it’s similar to what Mary was going through…she was hurting and I reminded her of what she didn’t have. I think your friend’s husband is probably right…that it’s nothing personal and the woman is emotionally busy coping. She can’t share that with you because you’re not going through the same thing. No matter how much you would like to help you can’t, you haven’t “been there”. That’s why support groups are so important.
This reminds me that many couples have marital problems when they lose a child. Instead of becoming closer, they take their grief out on the other person. I don’t know if the dynamics here are similar to that or not.
I can certainly understand if you’re mourning your loss. Is that the major emotion you’re feeling?
bikehikebabe,
If it were me I might send her a card saying I miss her and will always value the friendship we had. If there’s anything I can ever do please let me know. It’s not too intrusive and would make me feel better. But that’s just me. We’re all different.
bikehikebabe,
About letting go…it seems to me that’s what Lori is doing. She says mostly she’s past the experience, but it came back because she was having a rough day. That might very well be the time she would like to have her friend back, to talk to her. Instead she expressed her feelings here rather than holding them in. For me that’s a great way of moving on. What’s the process you go through when you want to let go of something? Lori, please correct me if my description doesn’t fit what’s going on with you.
Thank you both for the conversation.
Hi All,
Lori, I definately know what that is like… Especially how it is playing out. The hardest part is missing the connection and time you both shared together. And not knowing if you did something. It is weird that it would be so 6 times a day. And then suddenly nothing.. That must be so hard. It might be one of those times to hold on loosely. Call once in awhile and let go…just to let her know you are there. People have a misconception that someone actually has to be in the same boat to really understand. I’ve met quite a few that understand things yet haven’t experienced it personally. Not all can do that but some can. Its like reading a book and it takes you there. But that isn’t realy isn’t the point here. Its that you need understanding of what is happening to this friendship that is dear to your heart. I have a feeling this will pass and things will get better for you and her again.
I’m not sure about the phone calls. They can feel like stalking. I know with Mary I didn’t try to force myself on her, but if we did encounter one another I would be friendly, hold the door for her, etc., just as I would for anyone else. She told me later that made her hate me even more. I can understand why.
“What’s the process you go through when you want to let go of something?” Jean’s question she asked me above.
“Play your part well…”quote from Jean, & if you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your problem (says bikehikebabe). Problem is- it’s easy to excuse yourself from any part in the problem.
i.e. …tending to think he didn’t contribute to the problem; that it’s all the other person’s fault.
if you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your problem (says bikehikebabe)”
Sorry, that was Jean’s quote too. When I started to write that I wanted to say—if you didn’t do anything wrong, she can go to hell— of course something to a lesser extent than that.
Jean’s answers are sooo meaningful. She’s really helpful to anyone with a problem.
bikehikebabe,
Thank you for the kind words. They made my day. 🙂
Yah i’ve been rejected… strongly…
I had a Very close friend, a friend whom i “really” loved for years… no1 ever knew about my “inner-self” as much as she did …
I havent realized that i was hurting her… i wsa the kind who lieks joking arround and will do anything just to make others draw a smile” without meaning to hurt them at all”… ut if it really happens that ive hurt them .. i apologize so strongly and i hate myself for some while..
What Happened to Us?
My Friend ” w” , was the kind who always keeps things in herself… she doesnt share… which i believe its one of the most ruining things a person can do for a relationship … i used to always tell her, “if i ever bother u with anything, plz let me know, keeping things in urself is not good for us… im sure i may have mistreated u ” …
Its not that im hurting her… but imagine, being a friend to some1 who is extremyl senstive and doesnt share her feelings? … exactly…. she started to hate me slowly… without i even realizing it … & when she decided ” to Take Revenge” from me … she broke me apart…
She treated me badly… as though we never knew one another… i was so much hurt, when i “intentionally” decided not to visit her for a while (i used to visit her 7 times more than amount she visited me)… and she never asked, and never said that she missed me …
She kept taking revenge for a year or so … and i didnt know what’s the pb… she heared my cryig and crying… pleasing her to tell me whats wrong..
and she used to smile… yes to smile… what a hatred..
i blamed myself for everyhting, i felt im mistkaen …
I didnt know it was all from hatred that time…. Not until few months ago she e-maield me and told me everything…
Just like the posters’ post.. i didnt hate… and im still there if she wants us to start all over again… i still like her … & never htot of taking revenge from her ..
I learned: I used to do many things for her, and not tell her “Im tired” , she got used to my “services” … she didnt take it as a “favor” she took my services as thogh i should do them .. in other words, she even told me : U havent done anything for us!… i know, im mistaken …
I learned: To always ask for my right… i gave her so much power on me… im one of the most forgiving people the world will ever see, which is quite wrong” with some ppl who dont deserve” …
I learned: We shall always share everything, so that misconceptions doesnt occur
I Learned: We shall always think “good” of the other partner… she thot im not good…. + dont forget the intention… if it was good, forgive then ….
Been left…
Thanks for coming by and sharing your story. Good luck in the future.
Hi Been Left, You’re sweet! You’re not alone. I was treated badly by 2 friends (women). One smiled when she saw my reaction to hurtful comments. (She has Alzheimers now. Maybe it was the beginning of her disease.) Some people need someone to hurt to get rid of anger that has nothing to do with you.
I wonder if you are a Swede or Scandinavian-“Yah”.
Hey bikehikebabe..
It sad what ur friend done to u …
Well , im not really Swede neither Scandinavian , I’m Iranian/lebanese woman… ^^
thank u Jean for Welcoming me here…
Take Care..
Been Left,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. 🙂
My BFF of 25 yrs did not invite me to her wedding. Her fiance has decided that I am not condusive to their happiness. She told me that for the last 25 yrs I have hurt her and made her feel like S***! I asked her to explain that and she said she couldnt put it into words, I am totally traumatized..
I am crying like a maniac for a week and I am so hurt I cant bear it.
Dearest Amber S.
dont feel sad, she’s probably a person who doesnt deserve a tear…
She definitley knew that what she told u would hurt u … why would u cry for that?
try to stand on the ground again… im sure u r strong enough to do it ..
Farewell
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language 😉
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo
Hi !!! ^_^
I am Piter Kokoniz. oOnly want to tell, that I like your blog very much!
And want to ask you: what was the reasson for you to start this blog?
Sorry for my bad english:)
Tnx!
Your Piter
Piter,
I started this blog to share experiences and ideas with other people. Thanks for asking. 🙂
Thanks for writing about this experience. I was just searching online, for any other accounts from people with this experience, as I am still very much affected by a similar situation myself.
I lost my best friend for 23 years, as he cut me off without explanation a couple of years ago. The first year was very difficult. Not a day passes without being reminded of this person, who was like a brother to me (I am a lonely child). Nightmares still haunt me and I have no idea how to deal with this. He refuses to respond to any dialogue that I try initiating, and told me two years ago, that he understood any attempt at contacting him as harrasment. At this point he again refused me an explanation. Since then I havent had contact to this individual. I wondered if he lost his marbles. But I can tell by his facebook, that he is just fine. I do not pry into it, but needed to see if he was real ill, since he was behaving as such. I am a very social person, with a lot of friends and generally liked.
If anyone here has more advice on how to cope with this, I would love to get some pointers, since my psyche can not seem to work through this. Frankly its draining my energy and feels likes punishment to be left hanging with no explanation. I am a nurse, and very experienced in the fields of psychology, sociology, existentialism, inter personal relations, consciousness, coping mechanisms and the human condition as a whole. Somehow my subconscious seems to be unable to forget or process this relationship and manifests it through tedious and frequent dreams, that make me wake up fatigued. I thought, with all the thinking and inner dealing with this, that I had done, that two years would be a long enough while for it to fade. I must stress, that I am not obsessing about this and have lots of meaningful activities and relationships on a daily basis in my life. It leaves me clueless that sane people would cut off their best friend (I was his best friend as well) without any sort of explanation or personal words.
It sounds as if it would pay to find a good counselor to help you let it go.
“It leaves me clueless that sane people would cut off their best friend (I was his best friend as well) without any sort of explanation or personal words.” People are complicated. there’s no way of telling what was going on inside him, but you can get help figuring out why you’re holding on to this for so long. It sounds as if you’re mourning the loss of something dear to you. I personally would deal with the mourning and let go of trying to figure out why it happened.
Good luck.
Thanks for the response Jean. Its greatly appreciated. I will find a councillor and hopefully a good kind. There is a sense of mourning in this, as if I really lost a brother. I think you are right about letting go of trying to figure his dispositions out. Its futile. Thanks again.
Dearest Kasper …
as long as u know that u havent commited anything against your relationship with him, thus, dont think much about it … uve done ur part of the play, and if he is the one who decided to leave, then he is the one who is mistaken and would be loosing such a sincere friend like you …
Dont think much about him .. i know the feeling of being hanged without knowing the reason why of dumbping you … i was hanged too for a year until my best friend told me the reason why , and it turned out that she was the kind who burries hatred within herself.. i never realized she was like that… not until she told me herself : ( …
anyhow , forget about him like how “seemingly” he forgot about u , running after him will not benefit you at all,
Live your life, im sure uve got other gorgeous friends who deserve to be with : )
Regards,
Been Left
I got dumped by my best friend 3 days ago after 2 months of “the silent treatment”. My heart aches constantly, and I am struggling to accept the deep loss I feel over it. I kept hoping it was a miscommunication, but she and her fiance finally wrote me a nasty message basically telling me to go to hades. It really hurts and everything reminds me of them. Worse yet… she was my former boss, and I thought I was going to get my old job back as I am moving back to the area in 2 weeks. Now I’m out of a much-needed job AND my best friend. I feel like a hole has been carved out where my heart used to be.
Hey Ochee … salams…
dont feel bad about what had happened to you…. inshaAllah its all good….
try your best to look at the light and not focus on what’s bothering u …
be optimistic, and dont surrender for sorrow…
Im sure God had Prepared for u a better future…
have the belief, and smile …
with all best …
Ben Left
I’ve had this happen to me entirely too much.
The first experience, I had a friend from about the age of six…. until maybe early high school (we’re both 56 now).
Her mother was a divorcee, she had one older brother, and the family was very poor. Our family was a lot more stable, and my mother took care of her after school hours, and during summer vacations. My mother was a stay at home mom who cooked three meals a day every day for five kids, and my dad was a very good man. It was a very sweet family, and I think over time, the contrast between what I had in a family, and what she didn’t have, was just too much for her. It was sad, because she really desperately needed a father, and she needed a lot more of her mother than she got. When we had a science project to do, my dad helped me to the point of literally doing it for me, and of course I got an A, with very little effort. On the other hand, poor Beth struggled terribly and ended up with a D anyway.
On an emotional level, I never could understand why she got rid of the friendship, because I loved her very much. It made me more sad than almost anything that’s happened in my life. It almost felt like a personal rejection, because I WAS at the awkward age, where maybe I would forget to wash my hair, etc. I was not a pretty girl, but she was, and it almost felt like maybe that was the reason why she didn’t want the friendship. Like I was maybe someone she wanted to disassociate herself with, and maybe she looked at me as a liability to getting ahead socially.
Looking back, I think the real reason was that she wanted the warm, loving, supportive family that I took for granted. She was deeply hurt, and I couldn’t truly understand. I just loved her. And being my friend must have reminded her of her suffering.
Then, I had another friend who really DID get rid of our friendship because she wanted into a certain circle of girls. I guess it paid off for her. She got into a high school sorority of a bunch of elites, and maybe that helped her meet guys and get married. Funny thing is, I think she honestly did like me, or at least, she didn’t have anything legitimately against me.
Then, lately…. I fell in love with a guy online. Terrible mistake. I guess he was a narcissist, but I didn’t know what that was. Consequently, it was the most damaging relationship of my life. And here I thought I honestly knew him after four years, and thought he was awesome. God, what a nightmare.
Anyway, losing friends is sad. Takes a lot out of you.
kathy,
Yes, losing friends is sad. All the more reason to become our own loyal friend. If we develop a strong, loving inner core we can enjoy other friendships while they last. Thank you for coming by.
Thank you all for your openness. It has helped me greatly to read your posts. My best friend of 10 years dumped me after her marriage failed. We were like sisters, and our two families’ lives were interwined in so many ways. Then literally one day she stopped returning calls, was always busy, and completely distant/cold in attitude. For a year I tried to talk to her about it, and she always cut me off and said she was just busy. Finally after a tear-filled confrontation she said I was trying to control her life (?) and she just needed her space.
I believe she really wanted a new life and got rid of everything and everyone that reminded her of her marriage.
I’ve done my best to respect her wishes and give her space, but I am having so much difficulty getting over the rejection and loss of my friend.
I think a major difficulty for me in moving on is that we live a few houses apart from each other. I see her every single day driving to and from her home. Our children go to the same school and are still friends (thank goodness), but seeing her kids reminds me of my loss.
Moving would only help me, and be detrimental to the rest of my family.
Any thoughts?
I appreciate everyone’s comments. I was feeling sad about my own experience, and it helps at least to know I’m not the only one. I always felt unpopular as a child, though I did have some friends, but when I had my own daughter, I formed a playgroup and made a wonderful friend. We had so much in common and she was very kind and great to spend time with. However, one of the mother’s in our group got a divorce and I vocally supported joint custody (rather than the mother having sole custody) because the mother had some problems. My friend felt that I betrayed the group and dumped me. She had said she was staying out of the divorce issues, but wrote an affadavit in favor of the
mother without my knowing, so we ended up on opposite sides of the argument.
The issue broke up the playgroup I had hosted for three years and I still miss her. Now our kids will be going to school together and I’ve started seeing her around. It makes it even worse. Part of me is still heartbroken and part of me just feels so awkward to have to be around her. I’ve never had such an experience before.
Angela,
Thank you for coming by and sharing. That’s too bad about the playgroup, and I can imagine how much you miss the friendship. About the awkwardness…yes, I still remember how uncomfortable that was, but it was probably one of the best experiences in my life. I decided I wouldn’t push myself but would always be friendly and gracious to her when we did interact. It ended up giving me a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Good luck!