Square Peg Guy raised an interesting point over at rummuser’s site the other day. The subject was freedom and happiness, and SPG wrote:
I’ve heard it said: We all want what we cannot have.
………………….
But regardless, happiness isn’t getting what you want; it’s wanting what you get. Or at least accepting it.
Do those lines resonate with you? Do they describe your view of happiness? They don’t quite work for me.
Wanting What We Can’t Have
I was lucky when I was a kid. I went through a period of depression, no doubt a result of being isolated and bored out of my mind. At that time my mother was also feeling trapped and depressed, and my father was happy and fun to be around when he was drinking, but he hated his job and hated the fact that all he had no interests except alcohol. We didn’t have much money, but it was clear to me that there were more important things in life that just things. I wanted to feel alive and involved rather than emotionally dead…hating to wake up in the morning because it meant I had to stagger through yet another day.
Having been through that once my main goal in life was to never have to do it again, and that meant not winding up feeling trapped like my mom and dad were then. I also had no doubt I could figure out how to do it. I like the above Wizard of Id comic because it reminds me I’ve been there, but I didn’t stay.
Getting What You Want vs Wanting What You Get
I have gotten what I wanted out of life and I love what I have, so for me it’s both, not either-or. The neat thing is my husband and I were able to pass this attitude on to our daughter. In If You Had Led the Life I Lead and Our Garden in the Woods I wrote about some of the projects we did together as a family. So she grew up not only feeling loved but having experienced the joy of working.
We also made sure she wasn’t “underdeprived”, that there were some things she wanted that she had to earn for herself. That’s one of the best gifts that parents can give to a child, I think. The knowledge that they aren’t helpless, that they are empowered to get what they want in life.
What About You?
Anyway, that’s what worked for us. What about you? What are your views of happiness? Have you found it? Do you value it?
My main goal in life was to be able to afford a decent home and get out of the poverty I found myself in when I went back to living with my mom after five years with my grandparents. I wanted a home like one of those in the subdivision I could see across the field next to the house we were renting. I wanted a good solid job that paid a decent wage — like electric company lineman, police officer or longshoreman, something with decent job security. My dream was to be a scientist, a marine biologist, but life interfered with that. I wanted a life where my kids would have a solid foundation and a normal childhood.
In 1971, after dropping out of college because of lack of dependable transportation to and from the University of Houston, my job at a oil field pipe refurbishing company was interrupted when the place was flooded out by a hurricane. A friend let me use his car one day to look for work. I was unable to get the courage up to try to find out where I could apply for a job — any job — at the Manned Spacecraft Center where I had dropped him off and ended up talking to two military service recruiters in Baytown. I had already submitted and application to the Houston police department — and am I glad I never followed up on that — but thought I would see what the Air Force and Navy had to offer. I wasn’t at all interested in the other two services, Army or Marines, as the Viet Nam war was still in full swing. The Air Force really didn’t have anything to offer that really clicked with me, but the Navy had this program called nuclear power that talked about the solid civilian careers that it could lead to if one didn’t make a career out of the service. So I signed up.
That choice was probably the second best choice in my life.
My views of happiness include a spouse who is my friend, offspring who are stable and normal and being able to provide the support for a life above the poverty level.
Have I found happiness?
I think so. I ended up with so much more of it than I needed.
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Postscript:
The one thing I wasn’t happy with was that I didn’t finish college, so in the eighties and very early nineties, I went back to college and got an Associate of Arts in General Studies and a Bachelor of Science in Industrial Technology.
Last month, at Crowley’s Ridge State Park, I was talking to a fellow who had retired fairly recently from the Navy. I mentioned that I had spent almost 9 years in the Navy and he asked what I had been. When I told him, he said that his father had wanted him to go into that program and that he had applied but didn’t make it. What was interesting was when he said that “that was the program where you got the equivalent of a six-year college education in two years of training.” I never really looked at it that way.
Besides, I came very, very close to flunking out — so close that it it required special dispensation from Washington for me to continue.
How different my life would have been if that had happened.
Mike Goads last blog post..Firewood, lillies, roses… and a hole in the ground (a “photos and captions only” post)
On first glance I might well agree with Square Peg Guy but knowing you were writing this post I gave the subject further thought.
I am 62 years old. I have in those years experienced:
• Abuse of varying kinds in school, the work place and personal life.
• Being a Carer
• Death of my soul mate.
• Familial love.
• Family illness, long term from when I was the age of nine.
• Hatred of school.
• Lives torn apart or lost due to hatred and ignorance
• Motherhood
• My own health complications
• Rejection
• Real love
• Travelling
• Working at home and abroad
In that time my path crossed many lives.
The Whingers – “Why does everything happen to me” brigade, sorry but the SH*T happens to everyone.
The “I could never do that” club, perhaps if they tried or HAD to do (insert task) they would be surprised!
The ‘Bizzy’ bunch, running around in circles so fast that they never achieve anything. The “We will have another cup of coffee and then start”, they are hoping that the work will do itself or go away.
I have kept the only bunch worth tuppence until last… The people who despite what life throws at them, will pick themselves up, shake themselves down, and start all over again. They are my heroes. I was fortunate to be married to a guy from this group. He taught me so much. He taught me contentment and to be happy in my own skin. I am.
Nobody has everything. Nobody NEEDS everything. All we need is enough!
Years ago I found this:
* I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
* I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
* I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
* I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
* I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
* I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
* I wish enough hello’s to get you through the final goodbye.
Grannymars last blog post..A simple walk
Jean, both the stories from Mike and Grannymar are so inspiring that I feel totally inadequate. I can relate to both on many counts. My needs are met. My wants are few, mostly books, news papers, magazines etc, and a decent broad band connection to indulge in my late in life passion of blogging and the blog world. I have a roof of my own over my head, have a loving son, a prodigal father who has come back to his son, ( No, I am not kidding!) a reasonable bank balance, a decent pension, fairly good health and a bunch of great friends and a loving family of siblings, cousins, etc.
When I look back, I find that Buddha was right. “Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer thereof.”
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Mike,
Thank you so much for sharing your story…it’s clear your life has been a great success. I was already impressed by your story about meeting and marrying your wife. The navy made a wise choice in choosing you. 🙂
I’m also impressed that you completed your goal of getting a college degree. Did it make any difference in your career? It must have given you immense personal satisfaction.
Grannymar,
Thank you! I especially like the line, “I wish enough hello’s to get you through the final goodbye.” I’m glad that you met your husband but am sorry you lost him so soon. How long were you married? You certainly have lived through a lot.
Your comment inspires me a lot more than posts about the Law of Attraction. Life is deeper, richer and more tragic than that (IMHO).
rummuser,
“When I look back, I find that Buddha was right. ‘Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer thereof.’ ”
Hmm. I don’t understand how that works. Do you think your decision years ago to change jobs had nothing to do with your financial freedom now? Do you think the Mumbai attacks just happened, with no individual responsibility on the part of the terrorists involved? Do you think World War II would have happened if it hadn’t been for an individual doer named Adolf Hitler? I honestly don’t understand what you’re saying. Thanks for extending the discussion! I’m looking forward to going into this in more depth.
I find that happiness is a part of attentiveness I think. I am happy when I am absorbed in something. I haven’t found that trying to achieve happiness directly works, but pursuing what I find interesting and worthwhile lead to happiness.
I think I understand what Rummuser means – but don’t entirely agree. As to Adolf and that kind of thing, usually at the large scale the individual isn’t terribly influential – if it hadn’t been Adolf there were lots of other anti-semitic sociopaths around. Adolf could only do it because of all his collaborators.
I do think that there are times when individuals did make a difference in the larger picture (Nelson and his telescope to his blind eye, the British and American leaders post-WWII catering to Stalin).
Evan,
I too am happiest when I’m absorbed in something. I disagree about Hitler, but there’s no way of proving it one way or the other. The real issue is are there individual doers? Does terrorism, for example, happen because individuals are doing certain things or does it just happen?
Jean, yes and no. Briefly stated, in a metaphor more familiar to you, it is all HIS will. I rest my case.
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rummuser,
Sorry, I’m not a Christian, and when I was a Catholic we weren’t taught it was all His will. We were taught we had free will and heaven help us if we made poor choices. 😉
rummuser,
I still don’t understand why you get upset about the terrorists then. They’re simply doing God’s (whatever) will. Isn’t that what they’ve been saying all along?
It’s my view (different to the Buddha’s I think – but I’m no Buddhist so can’t really say) that individuals influence and are influenced by their situation.
Jean, I grew up with the ‘free will’ stuff too. Somehow the reminders always seemed to make me look selfish and end up with me doing what other people wanted! 🙁
You asked how long I was married. We had twenty short years, seldom a day without fun and laughter. The ability to laugh with and at each other helped us through many a dark day of Jack’s final illness.
Grannymars last blog post..Just for You!
Evan,
I obviously agree, as…I assume…does Mike.
As I understand it rummuser is talking about getting our egos out of the way, being in the present moment…what I call “slipping into sacred space”. I spend most of my time there, and that’s why I wrote A Dull Life? I Don’t Believe It. over at cheerfulmonk. rummuser had referred to his life as dull and that post saw it as rich and fulfilling.
But the question that intrigues me is how do we take action in the world and still keep that feeling of sacredness/being in the moment? That’s what Islam is all about. I think everyone here objects to the intolerance and the shutting down of the mind, but it is true that Islam advocates exactly what rummuser has said, “…it is all HIS will.”
I’m just trying to look at this issue more deeply.
Grannymar,
Our priest was Irish, so I’m familiar with guilt and humiliation. We had weekly lessons in Catechism, but I didn’t go to a parochial school so there was no physical violence.
Have you seen the movie Evelyn? I recently watched it and I’ve seen all of the episodes of Ballykissangel. Ballykissangel moved me the most. There are a lot of things about Catholicism that I reject, but I still have an emotional tie to it. Probably that’s why I can understand where the Muslims are coming from, even though I object to a lot about Islam too.
Again, I’m so sorry that you lost Jack.
Jean,
Getting the degree made very little difference in my career. When I applied for the job in 1983, the prerequisites included “degree preferred.” However, there was no one with a degree applying for the job. All of the other applicants had the same navy nuclear power program background that I did.
The degree was for three reasons: 1) to finish something I had failed at, 2) padding my resume just in case something happened to my job, and 3) my veteran’s educational benefits were going to expire at the end of 1989.
Mike Goads last blog post..Posting is going to become more difficult.
The deep question is identity and its persistence I think. It also involves reason and experience (I’m enough in the Western tradition to believe that experience can falsify thoughts – though to my mind Hume showed that empiricism is incoherent: no one has ever stubbed their toe on a cause.).
To my mind the data are things like we recognise people from day to day as did (by all reports) the disciples of Jesus and the Gottama recognise them from day to day. Identity persists. This is to accept a (partial – but how partial?) equivalence between our physicality and our ego. If there are arguments that seek to show this isn’t so – then the arguments (however convincing) are wrong it seems to me. While our on-going identity is data, so are the moments of shared communion with others – these are poorly accounted for (usually ignored) by our western individualist approach.
The sacredness and action dilemma I think means giving sacredness to our individuality – that my quirks and uniqueness (and yours) are sacred as our commonalities. I think organic metaphors can help here: any organism is made up of diverse parts that are quite different and which all (because of and through difference) contribute to the life of the whole.
I certainly haven’t thought this through to a coherent position, I just think I have some experiences that need to be taken account of by any proposed theory. I guess this comment is long enough already, but I do think this is a central question for our culture.
Mike,
I had assumed personal satisfaction was the strongest reason, but given the other two it was a no-brainer. I admire you for what you’ve done, and I’m glad (1) you could take early retirement and (2) that you have some contract work. That’s the path we took and I’m grateful we had the opportunity.
Evan,
Actually for me the questions are less theoretical: “Should I be slipping into sacred space so much? Am I being selfish?” Given the state of the world should I be playing a more active role in politics, do a bit more to help push the world in the direction I think it should go? So I write letters when it’s appropriate, make my weekly video showing the animals at the shelter for our local public access TV station and spend as much of the rest of my time as I can pursuing my passions. The projects come first and I share the results with others if the others are interested. I think that’s what you mean by giving sacredness to our individuality. It seems to be working. 😉
Jean, I had explained about getting upset about things. They are normal inbuilt mechanisms. Based on those reactions, what we do, is where the free will comes in. If I allow my base instinctual drives to determine my action based on the immediate reaction to the stimulus, I would be reverting to my primordial nature. The Hindu system runs very much parallel to Natural Selection and allows for upgrading from lower creations to higher, culminating at a Perfect Human Being. Before becoming a Perfect Human Being, humans take many human incarnations. As a human being, to exercise my free will in that situation in such a way that I do my duty yet at the minimum cost to the righteous, I score browny points in the cause/effect cycle. Using rational judgment and taking appropriate action is all that free will expects us to do. To bring us to that point of making use of our free will is what I call HIS WILL. This in our belief is the progress that one makes in the cycle of births and deaths, what we call Samsara. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samsara)
rummusers last blog post..One Lovely Blog Award
rummuser,
Thank you. That’s the kind of response I was hoping for. 🙂
Yes, I know you’ve said that before. And there have also been times when I’ve written about using the energy of that upset constructively. You commented that you’re a placid fellow and implied the discussion had nothing to do with you.
It seems that we agree about using rational judgment and taking appropriate action. Our views disagree in that what you call “base instinctual drives”, presumably to be ignored, I call energy to be used wisely. Don’t forget the first two traits of stress-hardy resilient people:
Also #6:
We agree about a lot of things, I’m just a bit more proactive than you are. One of my passions is understanding how people change. To me it’s a creative process.
Again, thanks for extending the conversation. 🙂
I’ve been absorbing the discourse, but haven’t a clue what Evan is saying. It’s late, and has been a very long day, so I’ll just go back listening.
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