Do you think it’s possible to be too generous, to help too much? I’m sure Grannymar will agree with me…yes! Some people will take advantage of the good nature of other people. I’ve even been in situations where the people who volunteered the most were looked down upon by others. They were thought of as second-class citizens who were too stupid to look out for their own interests.
Those aren’t my values so I would be cheating myself if I let situations like that make me cynical. The solution for me is to notice when it’s time to say “That’s enough. It’s time to move on.” It’s my choice to help, and I need to do it without expecting appreciation. If I can’t do that cheerfully and/or if other people treat me badly because of it, it’s time to try something else.
This post was inspired by gaelikaa’s The Reluctant Memsahib. In it gaelikaa tells how she was consistently paying 10 rupees instead of the usual 5 when she took short trips in a rickshaw. At first it was because she didn’t know the usual fare, but she continued even after she found out what the going rate was. She figured the drivers worked hard and the extra 5 rupees would mean more to them that they did to her. That strategy worked fine for a while… the rickshaw drivers were happy to have her as a passenger. But one day she needed a longer ride, and a friend told her by all means don’t give more than 30 rupees. So at the end of the trip she tried to give the driver 35 rupees, 30 for the trip and her standard 5-rupee tip.
That sounds generous enough, right? It turns out the driver was incensed and felt cheated. He demanded she pay 50 rupees, because she had set up the expectation that she paid twice as much as the standard fare. There was no convincing him otherwise.
Have you ever had an experience like that, where your generosity caused you trouble?
This is a very nice post and thank you for sharing my story. I ended up paying him what he asked as I didn’t want any trouble but I have consistently refused to get into his – or any other – rickshaw since that day. I hope he has learnt something from that. Thank God I have my health and am well able to walk and there are shared auto-taxis for longer journeys. The only thing I lost is that it takes me a little more time to walk the short journeys – he, on the other hand has lost a regular customer! I felt really sad to have to do that, but I felt a had to make a point.
.-= gaelikaa´s last blog ..The Reluctant Memsahib =-.
gaelikaa,
That’s great that you’ve made your point…you won’t be bullied again. It seems you’re now in a position to renegotiate if you would like. You could just tell him, or any other driver, what you’re willing to pay. If you tell them ahead of time they can take it or leave it, there won’t be any unrealistic expectations.
I also loved your description of living in a combined family. I can see how it would be hard to break away and get your own home now that there are children/grandchildren involved.
Your posts enrich my life. Thank you!
A group of us were in Taiwan on a mission trip recently. Some of the college kids were out with the young children and took them to a store for some cold drinks. They got a good scolding afterward from the local leaders, because the children were all from poor families. Generosity seemed nice to them, but they hadn’t considered the consequences of developing a taste and habit of enjoying things that are expensive relative to the income, even if seeming very inexpensive to us.
.-= Looney´s last blog .. =-.
Jean, I do!
You might like to read a post I wrote one year ago about this subject: http://www.grannymar.com/blog/2008/08/19/its-a-fine-line/
.-= Grannymar´s last blog ..Food Monday ~ Date & Banana Slaw =-.
Yes Jean, I can write tomes about generosity being misinterpreted as weakness. Once bitten twice shy, and like Gaelikaa, there are many people and places who have lost my custom. Having said that, let me also include something strange. People rarely mess with me. I suppose that it is my size and bearing! Within our locality, I am a well known figure but outside too, on the rare occasion that I go, I find that this is true. I just thank providence and get on with life.
.-= Rummuser´s last blog ..Two Argumentative Indians. =-.
I can attest to Rummuser’s being bigger. The “millions” of Indians I saw were slight of build, and I never saw one with poor posture.
My parents gave us lots of money & I never said anything but thank you; it was expected. Our “kids” (offspring) do the same. It’s like we’re all embarrassed to be accepting–can you call it—charity?
Looney,
That is a great example. Another aspect is that Taiwan have a lot of healthy old people because of their lifestyle. Getting the kids to like sweet drinks might not be doing them a favor even if they could afford it.
Grannymar,
Thanks for the link. I tend to be a good listener too. Mostly I just listen and don’t try to give advice, but I have learned to tell when listening helps people move on with their lives and when it keeps them stuck. I might feel sorry for them when it’s time for me to disengage, but I don’t feel guilty.
Rummuser,
You’ve written elsewhere that some people find you intimidating. I can imagine that being useful in some situations. 🙂
bikehikebabe,
I wonder if it’s embarrassment or just that it feels natural and maybe even expected. That it’s just something that parents do for their children.
Interesting Jean! In the past I must have had a blinking “Sucker” sign on my forehead because I would do anything people needed me to do. When I disconnected that sign, woke up, found balance, those same people labeled me a selfish bitch. Oh wellllllllllllll
.-= suzen´s last blog ..Goggle Giggles =-.
suzen,
Yes, I have seen that happen. Good for you for disconnecting the sign. 😉
Thats a very nice issue. I am not particularly overly generous, but my brother is. Thanks to him, we have had quite a few undeserving people walk away much more enriched. But he is what he is, and to say no to anyone is impossible for him. I both admire him as well as mock him for this 😛 Thankfully I am a little more balanced in this regard.
Ashok,
Siblings can be very different, can’t they? How old is your brother? I’m always curious about people.
Jean, we are experiencing this right now. I don’t want to give you the particulars, because – although unlikely – the discussion of the particulars would clear some family members into the comment and it may have legal repercussions. Let’s just say that I do NOT, contrary to some people’s beliefs about me, believe in a sense of entitlement as a healthy thing!
Also, I used to work on the board of a homeless shelter for families only. We put together a Thanksgiving meal package each year for former residents and one year we had put together our collection of generous, full meal boxes including turkey when one of the families showed up. When I handed the man the turkey – and this was quite a large man, fit, with no physical problems at all – he said, “And I suppose this means that I will have to carry the turkey to the car myself!” At which point I informed him that it certainly looked that way since they don’t fly well once they are frozen.
I was a temporary hero to a very giving staff of people, LOL.
.-= Conrad´s last blog ..The True Origin of Swine Flu =-.
Conrad,
I agree. We’re not doing anyone a favor if we let them develop a feeling of entitlement.
Conrad, that quip was fantastic!
Incessant generosity without thought of purpose smells of the desire to please or a strong feeling of “it’s the right thing to do and I want to be a right person”.
I strive to make sure that if my generosity does not stem from love, that it is at least given with the motive of enabling them, to help them grow as a person.
I think I love this blog 🙂
Andrew,
I agree! I try to check if I’m doing something for my own self-image. One standard trick for figuring out our values is to think about what we want people to write in our obituary. That doesn’t work for me because it just focuses on self-image, which I’m trying to get way from.
On the other hand, I do notice when I’m feeling ungenerous and unloving because it gives me a clue about what to work on next.
Thanks for coming by! 🙂
yes. all the time. when i’m nice to my co-workers eventually they start treating me in a disrespectful way. as if i’m a dog that they could order around. now that ive read this i realize why. i’ll stop being so generous with favors from now on because some people eventually expect you to be their slave and demand for you to go out of your way to do what ever it is they should be taking care of themselfs. from now on i’m gonna put myself first.