After I wrote yesterday’s post and was sorting through old papers, I came across this piece from Ann Landers.
Dear Ann Landers,
Your response to “Single File in Aurora, Ill.” surprised me. “Single” complained that her husband didn’t want to participate in social events. You said he was probably unsure of himself in social situations, and suggested he could be cured by gradual exposure to increasing numbers of people.Why is it that perfectly sane and respectable folks are allowed to say that an evening of Mozart would bore them to tears, yet, when someone says the same about an evening of coffee and chatter, he is considered “peculiar”? Just as some people cannot carry a tune or run a mile in under four minutes, I am not able to sit in a room and engage in mindless chatter. This does not mean I am unsure of myself in social situations. I am plenty sure of myself. I just hate these occasions the same way someone else might hate an afternoon of drag racing, heavy metal music or foreign films. It’s a matter of personal preference.
I am a successful career woman. I work with 11 full-time and 30 seasonal employees. I enjoy my work, and relate well to others. I have been married for 14 years to a wonderful, outgoing man. However, it drives me crazy to sit in a room with people for three hours and listen to non-stop chitchat. My brain turns to mush, and my eyes glaze over.
Perhaps you could have suggested that “Single” work out a compromise with her husband. He could agree to a certain amount of socializing in exchange for guilt-free pass the rest of the time. He doesn’t need to be cured. He isn’t defective.
Those of us who abhor an evening of socialization can still be normal, happy, productive individuals. Please encourage others to accept our personal lifestyle preferences instead of providing them with helpful hints on how to change us.
—Happy and Anti-Social in Everyland
Ann’s answer was,
Dear Happy and Anti-Social: I consider myself properly told off. You are perfectly right. If your husband doesn’t mind your wish not to socialize, it is indeed none of my business. I apologize. PS: Maybe what you need is more interesting friends.
That would have been a great answer if she had left off the PS!
ummmmmmmmmmm interesting, reminds me of the “lonely heart columnists” and their thoughts on why you are still single/unloved 🙂
Yes, that was part of what Ann Landers and her twin sister, Dear Abby, gave advice on. They were both popular.
YES! the P.S. proved that she still … (make that… STILL) didn’t basically understand that he’s NOT flawed and doesn’t need fixing or “more interesting [as in ‘better’] friends! if you don’t fit into the majority category … you’re on the outside and need fixing! what a lot of hog wash.
it’s very tiring.
Yes, hog wash that is still going on. See today’s post about Harvard.
Agreed about the PS.
A vivacious and charming hostess, my late wife dreaded social events after her multiple cerebral and cardiac infarcts because, her memory played tricks on her. I simply adjusted my lifestyle to accommodate her comfort levels and stopped socialising. All my family and friends understood and in fact went out of their ways to make it comfortable for her whenever they had to interact with me personally. My withdrawal from socialising did not mean that I became antisocial, just a caring husband.
that is a beautiful thing to give to someone.
to change such a basic enjoyment or way of being in your life for a beloved one.
a mark of your own beautiful soul Rummy. and now maybe I’ve embarrassed you by saying it! so an apology too. SH
That must have been hard for both of you — I’m guessing it brought you even closer together. How old were you and she when it happened?
how wonderful – and caring…
Ann’s response was typical of the type of counselling practiced at the time. (My opinion). There was a prevailing belief that people who didn’t fit the ‘social mode’ needed to be fixed in some way. So I’m not surprised by her answer. But I am surprised that she was so tenacious! That ‘PS’ demonstrated that she was not done ‘fixing’!
This comment needed to be approved because your name is different. If you use this name again it should automatically go through.
Hi CM! Your post comes to me in a couple of formats, and lately, I’ve noticed that comments I make are not posted. This came as a link in my email, so I’m it, as a test. Here goes!
If you change your input information (yes, it’s a nuisance that WordPress doesn’t seem to be saving it at the moment) then your comments need to be approved. Once I approve them they should appear.
You will have to send me screen shots of the different formats in order for me to see what’s happening. I’m curious!
To be an advice columnist you have to be an extrovert. Why would we be surprised when she doesn’t understand us introverts? Few extroverts do.
I agree, and you also have to be somewhat opinionated. 🙂
I was 58 and she 57.
That’s quite young for problems like that. 🙁